How to build self-compassion: what research says works, and its limits

Self-compassion means treating yourself with kindness instead of harsh criticism when things go wrong, remembering that such moments are part of being human, and holding painful thoughts in balanced awareness rather than being swept away by them (Neff, 2003). How it differs from self-esteem, and three practices to try today, are in self-compassion versus self-esteem.

This guide takes the next question: does practice actually build self-compassion? Which practices help, and for how long? Do they work on your own? Drawing on meta-analyses of randomised trials and on individual experiments, it sets out what has been shown and what has not.

Up front: the research is encouraging but easy to overstate. Most studies measure change with self-report questionnaires, samples are small, and many compare against a waitlist group that did nothing. The limits are given below, with numbers.

In a meta-analysis of 27 randomised trials, self-compassion interventions raised self-compassion moderately compared with control groups (g = 0.75) and moderately reduced depression (0.66), stress (0.67), anxiety (0.57) and self-criticism (0.56). The improvement in depression grew at follow-up, and gains in self-compassion were maintained. Group delivery worked better than individual delivery, and the authors noted that publication bias may be present (Ferrari et al., 2019).

A meta-analysis that also took in interventions cultivating compassion for others (21 trials, 1,285 participants) likewise found more self-compassion (d = 0.70) and less depression (0.64) and anxiety (0.49), and the results held when comparisons with active control groups were included. Most of the studies were small, though (Kirby et al., 2017).

A meta-analysis focused on self-criticism (19 studies, 1,350 participants) also found a medium reduction (g = 0.51), larger for longer interventions and when compared with groups that did nothing (Wakelin et al., 2022).

There is an important caveat. In a more recent meta-analysis limited to self-compassion interventions (56 randomised trials), the effect on depression was medium in the 26 trials that compared against groups doing no activity, such as waitlists (0.53), but in the 10 trials that compared against groups doing another activity it was only 0.20, not statistically significant. Interventions delivered only online had small effects, and the overall risk of bias across studies was rated high (Han & Kim, 2023). The evidence that self-compassion practice helps has grown steadily, but the evidence that it beats other good activities is still weak.

The best known is the 8-week Mindful Self-Compassion (MSC) programme: a two-hour group session each week plus a half-day retreat. In a randomised trial, 25 participants gained more self-compassion, mindfulness and well-being than 27 on a waitlist, and the gains held at 6 months and 1 year (Neff & Germer, 2013).

Shorter programmes exist too. When 52 female college students were randomly assigned to either three self-compassion group meetings or three time-management meetings over three weeks, the self-compassion group gained more self-compassion, optimism and self-efficacy and reduced rumination more, though worry and mood did not differ (Smeets et al., 2014). Women who did three weeks of self-compassion meditation (98) reduced body dissatisfaction and body shame more than a waitlist group (130), and the change held three months later (Albertson et al., 2015).

In Korea, a six-session Mindful Self-Compassion group programme for highly self-critical university students cut self-criticism and negative feelings and raised self-compassion in the 16 participants compared with 19 who did nothing. The abstract does not say the groups were randomised, though, so this evidence ranks below the trials above (Kang & Jang, 2017).

Self-compassionate letters. In a randomised experiment with 68 university students high in shame, those who followed online prompts to spend 20–30 minutes a day for 16 days writing kind letters to themselves showed medium-to-large reductions in shame, self-criticism and anxiety compared with a waitlist, sustained a month later; the rise in self-compassion itself and the fall in depression were only trends (Swee et al., 2023). In a study where people spent a week writing a self-compassionate letter online each day about something distressing that had happened that day, depression fell for up to three months and happiness rose up to six months later, but an optimism exercise did about as well (Shapira & Mongrain, 2010).

The self-compassion break. In a trial of this three-sentence exercise, 129 students were split into three groups (this exercise, time-management practice, or nothing), guided once at the first session and then left to practise for three weeks. The groups did not differ, and the researcher suggested the lack of weekly group check-ins as a possible reason (Williamson, 2020). The reason is unconfirmed, but it is a sign that brief exercises done on your own do not always work.

Soothing through the body. In an experiment that split 159 people into several conditions, those who placed their hands on their chest or belly and took a few deep breaths for 20 seconds just before a stressful task had lower levels of a stress hormone (cortisol) afterwards than a comparison group who folded a paper plane, though heart rate and self-reported stress did not differ (Dreisoerner et al., 2021). When 78 chronically stressed people were split between this practice and a minimally instructed meditation for 14 days, momentary stress fell in both groups at each session, with no difference between them; neither group changed on questionnaires looking back over the period (Maier et al., 2026).

Right after a failure. In an experiment where people recalled an upsetting event and were then guided to view it self-compassionately, they acknowledged their own role without being overwhelmed by negative feelings (Leary et al., 2007). In another, people guided to view a failed first attempt at a hard test self-compassionately studied longer afterwards (Breines & Chen, 2012). That is the opposite of the worry that being kind to yourself makes you lazy.

Pick one practice and keep it up for at least three weeks. The programmes that raised self-compassion scores themselves ran for three to eight weeks. Of the three exercises in self-compassion versus self-esteem, the self-compassion break showed no effect when practised alone for three weeks, while letter writing similar to the kind-friend letter reduced shame and self-criticism in a randomised trial even as a solo practice, though there too the rise in self-compassion itself was only a trend.

Practising with others is another option. In one meta-analysis, group delivery worked better than individual delivery (Ferrari et al., 2019). Try it with someone close, or look for a group programme at school, at work or in your community.

After a few weeks, take the mind.io self-compassion test again. It shows the mean of the 12 items of the Self-Compassion Scale’s short form (Raes et al., 2011), each answered from 1 to 5: 1.00–2.49 reads as “Low self-compassion”, 2.50–3.50 as “Moderate self-compassion” and 3.51–5.00 as “High self-compassion”. These follow rough ranges suggested by Neff, who created the scale, and are not diagnostic criteria; how others score is in average self-compassion score. Scores move with recent events and even a single answer, so don’t judge by one or two changes.

For some people, being kind to themselves feels uncomfortable or even frightening. In a study of 222 students and 53 therapists, fear of self-compassion tended to go together with self-criticism (Gilbert et al., 2011). In a Korean programme for highly self-critical students, one participant said, “If I am compassionate to myself, I might be lazy and might not obtain good grades” (Noh & Cho, 2020).

If that is you, start small. If speaking kindly to yourself is hard, begin with the self-talk exercise in self-compassion versus self-esteem: first think of what you would say to a friend in the same situation. As the experiments above suggest, self-compassion is not about covering up a failure; it can help you face it.

If a low mood has gone on nearly every day for more than two weeks, or anxiety is getting in the way of daily life, don’t rely on self-compassion practice alone: check in with the depression check-in (PHQ-9) or the anxiety check-in (GAD-7) and talk to a professional.

Q. How long does it take to change? A. The programmes that raised self-compassion scores themselves ran for three to eight weeks. Practices lasting a week or 14 days also eased depression or momentary stress (Shapira & Mongrain, 2010; Maier et al., 2026), and longer programmes reduced self-criticism more (Wakelin et al., 2022).

Q. Does it work on your own? A. Letter writing on your own reduced shame and self-criticism (Swee et al., 2023), but three weeks of practising the self-compassion break alone after one guided session showed no effect (Williamson, 2020). In a meta-analysis, group delivery worked better (Ferrari et al., 2019).

Q. Won’t self-compassion make me lazy? A. Experiments found the opposite. People guided to view a failed first attempt at a hard test self-compassionately studied longer, and in an experiment where people reflected on a personal weakness, they were more motivated to change it (Breines & Chen, 2012).

Q. It’s so hard I’m having thoughts of harming myself. A. Then help comes before practice. Reach out to a crisis line right away: call or text 988 in the US and Canada, call Samaritans on 116 123 in the UK and Ireland, or find a line at findahelpline.com elsewhere. If you are in immediate danger, contact your local emergency services.

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