Signs of low self-esteem: five patterns research has found, and common myths

In psychology, self-esteem is how worthy you feel as a person overall. The most widely used measure, the Rosenberg Self-Esteem Scale, asks how much you agree with statements like “On the whole, I am satisfied with myself.” The mind.io self-esteem test uses this scale.

Most online lists of “signs of low self-esteem” are assembled without evidence. This guide keeps only five tendencies backed by studies, each with the experiment or survey behind it. It then covers why self-esteem matters, common myths, and whether self-esteem can change.

One thing first: these tendencies are not diagnostic criteria, and not everyone with low self-esteem shows them. Most come from comparing the averages of people with high and low self-esteem in experiments or surveys, so they are better used to understand why something keeps happening than to judge a person.

1. One failure gets stretched to cover the whole self. In experiments by Brown and Dutton (1995), people with low and high self-esteem differed after failure not in general moods such as happiness or unhappiness but in emotions that implicate the self, such as humiliation or pride. The authors traced this partly to people with low self-esteem overgeneralizing what a failure means: “I botched this presentation” becomes “this is just who I am.”

2. Good things do not get savored for long. Across five studies by Wood, Heimpel and Michela (2003), people with low self-esteem were more likely to dampen good feelings after a success (“don’t get carried away”, “it was just luck”), and dampening went with a worse mood the next day. The link with self-esteem held when neuroticism and extraversion were controlled.

3. It is hard to believe a partner thinks well of you. When Murray, Holmes and Griffin (2000) surveyed dating and married couples, people with low self-esteem greatly underestimated how positively their partners saw them. That insecurity went with less generous views of the partner and lower relationship well-being, and in dating couples followed over time it only grew.

4. Acceptance feels like a constant question (a reading based on theory). Leary and colleagues’ (1995) sociometer theory treats self-esteem as a gauge of whether you are being accepted by others right now. Read through this theory, watching people’s reactions closely or being thrown by hints of rejection can be understood as a gauge that often points to “danger.”

5. Positive affirmations can make things worse. In experiments by Wood, Perunovic and Lee (2009), participants with low self-esteem who repeated “I’m a lovable person” felt worse than those who did not, while people with high self-esteem felt only a little better. The authors suggest that a statement you do not believe may bring the counterevidence to mind. However, two studies in 2020 that repeated the same method (about 225 and 237 people) did not find this difference again (Flynn & Bordieri, 2020).

Sowislo and Orth (2013) pooled studies that followed the same people over time (77 on depression, 18 on anxiety). Low self-esteem predicted later depression (.16) about twice as strongly as depression predicted later self-esteem (.08), supporting the “vulnerability model,” in which low self-esteem can contribute to depression. For anxiety the two directions were similar (.10 and .08).

A follow-up (Sowislo, Orth & Meier, 2014) found that the level of self-esteem predicted later depressive symptoms better than how much it fluctuates or how much it hinges on events that bear on you, and this held when the Big Five traits were controlled.

Reviewing several meta-analyses, Orth and Robins (2022) concluded that high self-esteem generally helps in relationships, school, work, and mental and physical health. Across domains the effects average about .10, modest, but similar to other factors such as self-efficacy or attachment security. Self-esteem does not decide everything, but it is worth looking after. Self-efficacy, often confused with self-esteem, is covered in the self-efficacy guide.

Myth 1: “People who show off have high self-esteem.” Brummelman, Thomaes and Sedikides (2016) challenged the view of narcissism as “excessive self-esteem.” Narcissism centers on feeling superior to others and wanting admiration, whereas self-esteem is feeling good enough as you are, without needing to be better than others. The two differ, they concluded, in how they show, what they lead to and where they come from.

Myth 2: “Low self-esteem means depression.” The two are closely related, and low self-esteem is a risk factor for depression, but low self-esteem is not a diagnosis in itself. It is something you can look at and work on in its own right.

Myth 3: “Repeating positive affirmations raises self-esteem.” As Wood and colleagues’ (2009) experiment showed, they can backfire, most of all for people with low self-esteem. Balanced statements close to the facts work better than forced praise, as how to build self-esteem shows with examples. The wider research on affirmations and the law of attraction is in the law of attraction guide.

Myth 4: “Self-esteem is fixed from birth.” As the next section shows, average self-esteem moves quite a lot with age, and studies suggest deliberate effort can change it too.

Orth, Erol and Luciano (2018) pooled 331 longitudinal samples, more than 164,000 people, with average ages ranging from 4 to 94. Average self-esteem rose through childhood, paused in early adolescence, rose strongly until age 30, peaked around age 60, and declined gradually after 70. The pattern held across gender, country and birth cohort. Low self-esteem now does not mean low self-esteem for good.

Structured programs have been studied too. Analyzing 116 studies of children and adolescents, Haney and Durlak (1998) found that programs aimed at self-esteem itself had a much larger effect (0.57) than programs aimed at something else, such as behavior or social skills (0.10). It was not a study of adults, so it does not transfer directly, but it suggests working on self-esteem directly beats waiting.

Turning the five signs around gives practices worth trying: describe a failure as “this time”, stay with a good moment instead of moving on at once, look for evidence of how others see you in what they actually say and do rather than guessing, and use statements you can believe instead of flattering affirmations. If being hard on yourself is a big habit, look into self-compassion as well.

The mind.io self-esteem test scores the 10 Rosenberg items from 0 to 30. It reads 0–14 as “a season of being hard on yourself”, 15–25 as “mostly steady self-esteem” and 26–30 as “solid self-esteem”. On this score, Korean adults average roughly 18–22 (the details are in average self-esteem score).

If your score came out low, think about which of the five signs above feel familiar. If even one does, that is a good place to start practicing. Scores move with your mood and recent events, so take the test again in a few weeks and compare in My Results.

If a low mood has lasted more than two weeks or daily life feels hard, though, look after your mental health before your self-esteem. Check in with the depression check-in, and talk to a professional if you need to.

Q. What are the most typical signs of low self-esteem? A. The ones backed by studies are stretching a failure to your whole self, not savoring good things for long, finding it hard to believe a partner thinks well of you, and positive affirmations feeling wrong; sensitivity to whether you are accepted is a reading based on theory. Not everyone shows all of them.

Q. At what age is self-esteem highest? A. In an analysis of studies spanning ages 4 to 94, average self-esteem peaked around age 60. It rose strongly until 30 and declined gradually after 70. Countries and data sets differ, though: in an analysis of the Korean Welfare Panel, older groups averaged slightly lower (average self-esteem score).

Q. Do I need counseling if my self-esteem is low? A. Low self-esteem is not a diagnosis, and much of it can be practiced on your own. Counseling can still help even when there is no crisis. But if a low mood lasts or you have thoughts of harming yourself, reach out to a professional or a crisis line right away: 988 in the US and Canada (call or text), Samaritans on 116 123 in the UK and Ireland, or findahelpline.com elsewhere. If you are in immediate danger, contact your local emergency services.

References: Brown, J. D., & Dutton, K. A. (1995), The thrill of victory, the complexity of defeat: Self-esteem and people’s emotional reactions to success and failure, Journal of Personality and Social Psychology 68(4), 712-722, https://doi.org/10.1037/0022-3514.68.4.712; Wood, J. V., Heimpel, S. A., & Michela, J. L. (2003), Savoring versus dampening: Self-esteem differences in regulating positive affect, Journal of Personality and Social Psychology 85(3), 566-580, https://doi.org/10.1037/0022-3514.85.3.566; Murray, S. L., Holmes, J. G., & Griffin, D. W. (2000), Self-esteem and the quest for felt security: How perceived regard regulates attachment processes, Journal of Personality and Social Psychology 78(3), 478-498, https://doi.org/10.1037/0022-3514.78.3.478; Leary, M. R., Tambor, E. S., Terdal, S. K., & Downs, D. L. (1995), Self-esteem as an interpersonal monitor: The sociometer hypothesis, Journal of Personality and Social Psychology 68(3), 518-530, https://doi.org/10.1037/0022-3514.68.3.518; Wood, J. V., Perunovic, W. Q. E., & Lee, J. W. (2009), Positive self-statements: Power for some, peril for others, Psychological Science 20(7), 860-866, https://doi.org/10.1111/j.1467-9280.2009.02370.x; Flynn, M. K., & Bordieri, M. J. (2020), On the failure to replicate past findings regarding positive affirmations and self-esteem, Journal of Contextual Behavioral Science 16, 49-61, https://doi.org/10.1016/j.jcbs.2020.03.003; Sowislo, J. F., & Orth, U. (2013), Does low self-esteem predict depression and anxiety? A meta-analysis of longitudinal studies, Psychological Bulletin 139(1), 213-240, https://doi.org/10.1037/a0028931; Sowislo, J. F., Orth, U., & Meier, L. L. (2014), What constitutes vulnerable self-esteem? Comparing the prospective effects of low, unstable, and contingent self-esteem on depressive symptoms, Journal of Abnormal Psychology 123(4), 737-753, https://doi.org/10.1037/a0037770; Orth, U., & Robins, R. W. (2022), Is high self-esteem beneficial? Revisiting a classic question, American Psychologist 77(1), 5-17, https://doi.org/10.1037/amp0000922; Brummelman, E., Thomaes, S., & Sedikides, C. (2016), Separating narcissism from self-esteem, Current Directions in Psychological Science 25(1), 8-13, https://doi.org/10.1177/0963721415619737; Orth, U., Erol, R. Y., & Luciano, E. C. (2018), Development of self-esteem from age 4 to 94 years: A meta-analysis of longitudinal studies, Psychological Bulletin 144(10), 1045-1080, https://doi.org/10.1037/bul0000161; Haney, P., & Durlak, J. A. (1998), Changing self-esteem in children and adolescents: A meta-analytic review, Journal of Clinical Child Psychology 27(4), 423-433, https://doi.org/10.1207/s15374424jccp2704_6.