Relationship boredom: signs, when it sets in and what research says helps

A “rut” or “boredom phase” is the everyday name for a stretch of a long relationship when two people have grown so used to each other that time together feels dull and the spark seems gone. It is not a diagnosis; psychology studies a similar experience under the name relational boredom. Researchers define it as the tendency to feel “tired of” and unstimulated in the relationship, and describe it as coming with a range of negative emotions, such as a lack of excitement and frustration (Dobson et al., 2023).

In one study, 99 people in dating relationships and 62 married people from the community wrote down what made their relationship boring, how it felt and how they coped. They saw boredom as caused by a lack of novelty and stimulation and linked it mostly with low-pleasure, low-energy feelings, and they said they coped with active strategies focused on the relationship (Harasymchuk & Fehr, 2010). Later summaries add that boredom brings both flat feelings, such as being unexcited or tired, and restless unpleasant ones, such as frustration or anxiety (Dobson et al., 2023).

Researchers measure it with the Relational Boredom Scale, which Harasymchuk and Fehr built from the answers of people in dating and married relationships. It asks how well 15 brief descriptors fit your relationship, from 1 (not at all true) to 7 (completely true); the descriptors include “dull” and, scored in reverse, “full of surprises” (Harasymchuk & Fehr, 2012; Dobson et al., 2023). mind.io has no test that measures relational boredom. This guide does not diagnose a rut or judge a relationship; it sums up what research has linked with boredom and what has helped.

A study that gathered the features people associate with a boring relationship and sorted the central ones from the peripheral ones found that “lack of interest in partner” and “no longer exciting” were close to the core of boredom, while “nothing in common” and “too similar” were not seen as typical of it. These core features also pointed more strongly to boredom than to conflict (Harasymchuk & Fehr, 2013). In everyday terms, the signs of a rut are less “we have nothing in common” than “I am less curious about the other person” and “it no longer feels exciting”.

Expectations play a part. When the gap between what people expected and what they got was larger for growth than for security, people were more likely to call a relationship, others’ or their own, boring; when the gap was larger for security, they reported more conflict in their own relationship (Harasymchuk et al., 2021). Feeling stuck in a rut may therefore say less about the relationship as a whole than about hopes for novelty and growth that have gone unmet.

And the sense that the other person is bored may be stronger than the reality. In three studies of 80, 136 and 115 couples, people overall tended to overestimate how bored the other person was compared with what that person reported. They tracked to some degree, though, in which respects and on which days the other was more or less bored, and when people correctly saw that the other was very bored, both of them rated the relationship lower (Dobson et al., 2023). Before concluding on your own that the other person is “tired of you”, it may be worth asking.

Many people say a rut comes after so many months of dating or so many years of marriage, but the studies we found do not fix such a date. What they show is an average course. A meta-analysis of 165 samples and 165,039 people found that, over the first 10 years, relationship satisfaction was lower the longer a relationship had lasted, lowest at about 10 years, higher again up to 20 years and then lower again. Followed over time, satisfaction declined within the same relationships, with the largest declines in young adulthood and in the first years of a relationship. The pattern held across countries, genders, marital status and whether partners lived together; only having children and the satisfaction measure used made a difference to the average level (Bühler et al., 2021).

An average is not every couple’s path, though. A study of 232 newlywed couples (464 spouses), each in a first marriage and married less than 6 months, who reported their satisfaction 8 times over 4 years, called the honeymoon-is-over effect perhaps the most robust finding in research on marriage, yet it found five distinct patterns. Three groups started relatively high and declined little, if at all, and about 13% of husbands and about 20% of wives kept very high satisfaction throughout the 4 years. The two groups whose satisfaction fell sharply made up about 19% of husbands and of wives, just under one in five. The authors note, though, that the sample as a whole was relatively satisfied and not nationally representative (Lavner & Bradbury, 2010).

So rather than a rule such as “a rut comes after so many months”, the research points to an average shift from early excitement to familiarity, whose size varies widely from couple to couple. How passion, intimacy and commitment move differently over time is covered in the guide to the triangular theory of love.

A common explanation in research is the self-expansion model that Aron and Aron put forward in 1986, which predicted that sharing stimulating activities would raise marital satisfaction (Reissman et al., 1993). Self-expansion in a relationship means broadening your perspective by doing new, exciting things with the other person (Harasymchuk et al., 2020). Falling in love can itself be such an experience. In two studies that tested first- and second-year university students 5 times over 10 weeks (329 and 529 students), falling in love was followed by more varied domains in how people described themselves in the first study, and by higher self-efficacy and self-esteem in the second (Aron et al., 1995).

Seen this way, a rut is what happens as novelty fades with two people coming to know each other well. Habituation has been seen as an obstacle to keeping a relationship going (Reissman et al., 1993), and boredom has been described as a major obstacle to lasting love (Harasymchuk & Fehr, 2013). Sexual desire follows a similar course: often intense early on, it tends to decline as partners get to know each other (Muise et al., 2019).

What people intend to do when bored may not match what they think they should do. In one study, people believed they should do more new things together when bored, but across the studies the evidence that boredom made them intend or plan such activities was inconsistent. Instead, when bored, people were consistently less inclined to do even the familiar, reassuring things they usually did together. These studies asked about intentions and plans, not what couples actually did (Harasymchuk et al., 2017).

What is boredom linked to over time? An often-cited study followed 123 married couples in the Detroit area of the United States, Black and white couples in a first marriage, at years 7 and 16 of marriage. At year 7, they were asked how often in the past month they had felt their marriage was in a rut, doing the same thing all the time and rarely doing exciting things together. Those who felt this more often had a larger drop in satisfaction 9 years later, while lower satisfaction at year 7 did not predict more boredom later; closeness was named as the link between boredom and satisfaction. We checked this study through the two universities’ press releases rather than the paper itself (Tsapelas et al., 2009).

In a newspaper questionnaire and a door-to-door survey, too, people who reported doing more “exciting” things together were more satisfied with their relationship, and lower boredom explained that link (Aron et al., 2000). What such surveys show, though, is association, not cause. Feeling bored does not mean a relationship is ending, and not feeling bored does not guarantee a good one.

Of the ways out of a rut, doing new and exciting things together has been examined again and again by researchers. The couples in these studies were not recruited for being in a rut, and most studies measured satisfaction or relationship quality rather than boredom itself. In a study that randomly assigned 53 married couples, for 10 weeks, to spend 1.5 hours a week on activities they themselves had defined as exciting, on activities they had defined as pleasant, or on nothing special, the exciting-activity couples ended up more satisfied with their marriage than the pleasant-activity couples, a moderate difference. The two activity groups taken together, however, did not differ significantly from the no-activity group, so simply doing things together was not enough (Reissman et al., 1993).

Laboratory experiments pointed the same way. In three experiments, couples who did a 7-minute novel and arousing task together reported a larger rise in relationship quality from before to after than couples who did a more mundane task. A comparison with a no-activity condition showed the effect came from the novel, arousing task, and the same effect appeared in ratings of videotaped conversations before and after the task (Aron et al., 2000).

It also worked outside the lab. In a randomized trial of 101 couples, 50 couples received a 4-week online program that offered ideas for exciting activities and encouraged them to spend 90 minutes a week on shared exciting activities, and 51 were put on a waiting list. At the end, the exciting-activity couples had higher relationship excitement, positive feelings and relationship satisfaction than the waiting-list couples, and 4 months later, as a group, they still scored higher than before they started (Coulter & Malouff, 2013). The 4-month comparison, though, had no waiting-list group.

New activities were also linked with sexual desire. Across three studies of couples using diary, longitudinal and experimental methods, doing self-expanding activities with the other person went with higher sexual desire, which in turn went with greater relationship satisfaction; the effect could not be put down only to a better mood, more time together or closeness during the activity (Muise et al., 2019). In a 3-week diary study of 122 couples, on days when people’s goals of seeking growth, intimacy and rewards in the relationship were stronger than usual, they felt more self-expansion, partly because they were more likely to do new, exciting things with the other person, and on days with more self-expansion they were more satisfied (Harasymchuk et al., 2020).

To put this into practice, take what the studied activities had in common: something new to both of you, and a little challenging or exciting. It need not be grand: for example, a walk through a neighbourhood you have never explored, a sport or dish you try together for the first time, a kind of show you have never seen. These examples were not themselves tested in the studies. In the 10-week study the couples themselves decided what counted as exciting (Reissman et al., 1993), so choose together rather than leaving it to one person. And since, as seen above, boredom tends to make people less inclined to do even the familiar things together, keep the small routines you already share as well.

New activities are not the only answer. Researchers call telling someone about a good thing that happened to you “capitalization”. In two of four studies, sharing good news was linked with more positive feelings and well-being that day, beyond the effect of the good event itself, and the benefit was larger when the listener was seen to respond actively and constructively, with interest, rather than passively or destructively. In the other two, relationships in which the other person usually responded to good news with enthusiasm also had higher relationship well-being, such as intimacy and daily marital satisfaction (Gable et al., 2004).

In a study that videotaped 79 dating couples taking turns to talk about recent good and bad events, the responses to good news were more closely related to relationship well-being and to breaking up 2 months later than the responses to bad news (Gable et al., 2006). When the other person shares good news, try asking what happened and being glad together, instead of a quick “nice”.

Gratitude can be another small habit that warms a relationship again. In a daily diary study of cohabiting couples, gratitude felt after receiving a thoughtful kindness from the other person predicted more connection and satisfaction the next day, for both the one who received it and the one who gave it (Algoe et al., 2010). In other studies, people who appreciated the other person more were more responsive to the other’s needs, more committed and more likely to stay in the relationship over time (Gordon et al., 2012). These studies looked at associations; they did not test whether practising these responses or gratitude reduces boredom.

Taking a relationship education program together can help too. A meta-analysis of 117 studies of marriage and relationship education found effect sizes in experimental studies of d = .30 to .36 for relationship quality and d = .43 to .45 for communication skills (Hawkins et al., 2008). In a 3-year study that randomly assigned 174 engaged or newlywed couples to programs, couples who completed a 4-session, 15-hour group program teaching conflict skills or acceptance and empathy skills, or a single relationship-awareness session with no skill training, did not differ in how often their relationships ended (11% overall), and fared better than comparison couples with no program, 24% of whom split up (Rogge et al., 2013).

When you talk, ask rather than guess. As seen above, people tended to overestimate how bored the other person was (Dobson et al., 2023). Start with words that look for something to change together rather than blame, such as “We seem a bit stuck in a routine lately. Is there anything new you would like to try together?” If you show affection in different ways, the love language test can be a way into that conversation.

If the flatness reaches beyond the relationship into work, friends and hobbies, look at low mood before calling it a rut. The World Health Organization (WHO) describes depression as a depressed mood or a loss of pleasure or interest in activities for long periods; in a depressive episode this lasts most of the day, nearly every day, for at least two weeks, and depression can affect every part of life, including relationships with family and friends (WHO, 2026). The depression check-in (PHQ-9) can show where you are now, but a self-check is not a diagnosis. If low mood persists, talk to a doctor or a mental health professional. If you have thoughts of hurting yourself, do not carry them alone: call or text 988 in the US and Canada, or call Samaritans on 116 123 in the UK and Ireland, right away.

If you come home from work too drained to want to do anything, the issue may be exhaustion rather than the relationship. The WHO describes burn-out as a syndrome resulting from chronic workplace stress that has not been successfully managed, with three dimensions: energy depletion or exhaustion, increased mental distance from one’s job or cynicism about it, and reduced professional efficacy. The term refers specifically to the occupational context, so it is not used for a tired relationship (WHO, 2019). Work strain can be checked with the burnout self-check.

If the problem is fear rather than boredom, it is a different matter. If you are afraid of the other person, if they control who you see and where you go, or if arguments turn into threats or violence, that is not a rut but a question of safety, and safety comes before new activities, communication exercises or couple therapy. In immediate danger, call your local emergency number. US: National Domestic Violence Hotline 1-800-799-7233 · UK: National Domestic Abuse Helpline 0808 2000 247. The signs of jealousy turning into control are described in the guide to jealousy in relationships.

If there is no fear or violence, but boredom and conflict have gone on so long that the two of you cannot sort them out alone, couple therapy is an option. If fights are frequent, see also how to make up after a fight, on how couples fight, apologize and make up. A meta-analysis of 58 studies (40 samples, 2,092 couples) found that couples in therapy improved greatly in relationship satisfaction from before to after (g = 1.12), while couples on waiting lists did not improve significantly (g = 0.12). Communication and emotional intimacy improved too, and gains were generally maintained over short- and long-term follow-ups. All the studies, though, involved opposite-sex couples (Roddy et al., 2020).

In a trial of 134 chronically and seriously distressed married couples who had about 8 months of integrative behavioral couple therapy (IBCT) or traditional behavioral couple therapy, 50.0% of IBCT couples and 45.9% of traditional-therapy couples showed clinically significant improvement 5 years later, and 25.7% and 27.9% had separated or divorced (Christensen et al., 2010). Emotionally focused couples therapy (EFT), based on attachment theory, is also presented as an evidence-based couple therapy, but that judgment comes from a review co-written by one of its developers (Wiebe & Johnson, 2016). These studies dealt with relationship distress in general, not boredom alone. Neither therapy nor the ideas in this guide can guarantee that a relationship lasts, and deciding to part is also a choice that deserves respect.

Q. When does a rut usually start? A. We found no basis for fixing it at so many months of dating or years of marriage. In a meta-analysis of data from 165,039 people, satisfaction within the same relationships declined on average, most steeply in the first years of a relationship (Bühler et al., 2021). Yet in a study of 232 newlywed couples, about 13% of husbands and about 20% of wives kept very high satisfaction throughout 4 years (Lavner & Bradbury, 2010). How the two of you are doing now matters more than an average timing.

Q. If we are in a rut, should we break up? A. Boredom in itself is not a verdict on the relationship. In the study of 123 married couples, boredom at year 7 of marriage went with a larger drop in satisfaction 9 years later (Tsapelas et al., 2009), but in experiments, couples who did exciting things together ended up more satisfied than couples who did merely pleasant things or who were on a waiting list (Reissman et al., 1993; Coulter & Malouff, 2013). Deciding to part is still a choice that deserves respect. And if you are afraid of the other person, or they control who you see and where you go, that is not boredom but a question of safety. In immediate danger, call your local emergency number. US: National Domestic Violence Hotline 1-800-799-7233 · UK: National Domestic Abuse Helpline 0808 2000 247.

Q. Is boredom in a marriage different from boredom when dating? A. The study of the causes and feelings of boredom and the Relational Boredom Scale both drew on answers from people who were dating and people who were married (Harasymchuk & Fehr, 2010, 2012). The average decline in satisfaction was also similar whether or not people were married or lived together, while the average level differed with whether they had children (Bühler et al., 2021). In the studies we found, there was no basis for a timing or signs that belong to marriage alone.

Q. I think the other person is bored. What should I do? A. Check before you assume. In three studies of 80, 136 and 115 couples, people overall overestimated the other person’s boredom compared with what that person reported (Dobson et al., 2023). Instead of blame, start with a question that looks for something to change together, such as “Is there anything new you would like us to try?”

Q. How often, and for how long, should we do something new? A. There is no set answer. Studies have used a 7-minute laboratory task (Aron et al., 2000), 1.5 hours a week for 10 weeks (Reissman et al., 1993) and 90 minutes a week for 4 weeks (Coulter & Malouff, 2013). In the 10-week study, for the same amount of time, couples who did exciting things ended up more satisfied than couples who did merely pleasant things.

Q. Is there a test for relationship boredom? A. Researchers use the 15-item Relational Boredom Scale (Harasymchuk & Fehr, 2012), but mind.io has no test that measures relational boredom. Online “rut tests” may differ from that scale in items and scoring, so do not take their results as a verdict on your relationship. If you wonder how differently you express affection, the love language test, and if anxiety or distance around closeness keeps coming back, the attachment style test can be a place to start the conversation.

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