Jealousy in relationships: envy, kinds of jealousy, control and what helps

One definition used in research on romantic jealousy describes it as an emotional state that is aroused by a perceived threat to a valued relationship or position and that motivates behaviour aimed at countering the threat. Buss and colleagues quoted this definition in their 1992 paper and added that jealousy is called sexual if the valued relationship is sexual (Buss et al., 1992). At the centre of jealousy, in other words, is the threat of losing a relationship.

Envy and jealousy are often used interchangeably, but research treats them as different emotions. In two experiments comparing them, envy was characterised by feelings of inferiority, longing, resentment and disapproval of the emotion itself, while jealousy was characterised by fear of loss, distrust, anxiety and anger. The authors concluded that the two emotions differ in quality, and they also discussed why the two are so often confused (Parrott & Smith, 1993). Jealousy is not a rare feeling either. In what its authors described as the first study of sexual jealousy in a random community sample, every participant reported having experienced it (Mullen & Martin, 1994).

So feeling jealous is not in itself the problem. Jealousy is not a diagnosis, and mind.io does not offer a jealousy test. Research uses questionnaires such as the Multidimensional Jealousy Scale, which measures the thoughts, feelings and behaviour of jealousy separately (Pfeiffer & Wong, 1989), but this guide prints no items or cut-off scores. It sets out the kinds of jealousy research distinguishes, what tends to go with stronger jealousy, the loop that social media and “checking” can create, the debate over differences between men and women, the point at which jealousy turns into deciding another person’s life for them, and what helps.

Researchers do not treat jealousy as a single lump. Pfeiffer and Wong built a scale that measures its thoughts (cognitive jealousy), feelings (emotional jealousy) and actions (behavioural jealousy) separately. In the paper that developed the scale (three studies), emotional jealousy was higher where love was higher, whereas cognitive jealousy went with lower love; all three components went with less liking for the partner, and emotional and behavioural jealousy went with lower happiness (Pfeiffer & Wong, 1989).

Studying 100 Dutch men and 100 Dutch women, Buunk distinguished three types. Reactive jealousy is a negative response to the partner’s emotional or sexual involvement with someone else; preventive jealousy is the effort to prevent the partner’s intimate contact with a third person; and anxious jealousy is obsessive anxiety, upset and worrying about the possibility that the partner is unfaithful (Buunk, 1997). By these definitions, reactive jealousy responds to something that has happened, while anxious jealousy worries about something that might. Rydell and Bringle grouped the emotional components as “reactive jealousy” and the cognitive and behavioural components as “suspicious jealousy”. In two studies, reactive jealousy went with greater dependence on the relationship and greater trust, whereas suspicious jealousy went with insecurity, anxious and avoidant attachment, chronic jealousy and lower self-esteem (Rydell & Bringle, 2007).

Preventive jealousy deserves a careful look, because it is about stopping the partner’s contact with others. When it extends to deciding whom the partner may meet or talk to, checking their phone use and cutting them off from family and friends, it overlaps with behaviours that UK government guidance lists as coercive control (Home Office, 2023). That is covered in detail under “When jealousy becomes control or violence” below. If a partner’s jealousy frightens you, safety comes first. In immediate danger, call your local emergency number. US: National Domestic Violence Hotline 1-800-799-7233 · UK: National Domestic Abuse Helpline 0808 2000 247. In Korea, call 112 in an emergency and the Women’s Emergency Line 1366 (24 hours) for domestic and dating violence counselling.

One companion that recurs across studies is anxious attachment. In Buunk’s study, on all three types of jealousy people with an anxious-ambivalent attachment style were more jealous than those with an avoidant style, and those with a secure style were the least jealous; the differences stayed virtually the same after controlling for personality. In the same study, all three types also went with neuroticism, social anxiety, rigidity and hostility (Buunk, 1997). In a study of 144 people in established relationships, those with a preoccupied attachment style displayed more negative feeling and engaged in more surveillance of the partner when jealous than people with other attachment styles (Guerrero, 1998). In a study of 132 people in dating relationships, attachment anxiety was directly linked to higher emotional jealousy, and uncertainty about where the relationship was going was strongly tied to cognitive jealousy (Knobloch et al., 2001). Ways of handling the urge for reassurance are in the guide to coping with anxious attachment, and how each attachment style shows up in dating is in the guide to attachment styles in dating.

Self-esteem is linked too. In the random community sample, lower self-esteem went with more jealousy, especially among women, and the authors wrote that among women, robust self-esteem was virtually incompatible with high jealousy concerns. In the same study, people who were satisfied with their relationships were less prone to jealous suspicions (Mullen & Martin, 1994). In Buunk’s study, low self-esteem was linked to jealousy only among women (Buunk, 1997). There is experimental work as well. In two experiments that evoked jealousy through orchestrated social encounters, threatened self-esteem was a principal mediator of jealousy, and the second experiment provided direct evidence of jealousy as a cause of aggression (DeSteno et al., 2006). The signs to look for when your self-esteem has dropped are in the guide to signs of low self-esteem.

Most of this research is one-off questionnaires, so these are correlations, not causes, and the samples are often students or people from a single country. Having anxious attachment or low self-esteem does not mean your jealousy must be intense. And a partner’s intense jealousy is not your fault. You cannot always stop yourself feeling jealous, but how jealousy is expressed and acted on is up to the person who feels it.

In a study of 308 undergraduates, more Facebook use predicted more Facebook-related jealousy even after controlling for individual, personality and relationship factors. The authors suggested that this may come from a feedback loop: Facebook exposes people to often ambiguous information about their partner that they would not otherwise have, and that new information prompts further use (Muise et al., 2009). It was a one-off survey, so the loop itself was not shown. Another study of undergraduates in romantic relationships found that how much Facebook intruded into daily life was linked to relationship dissatisfaction via jealous thoughts and surveillance of the partner (Elphinston & Noller, 2011).

Something similar existed before social media. In the community study, behaviours such as searching the partner’s belongings or inspecting their clothes for signs of sexual activity went with unusually intense jealousy (Mullen & Martin, 1994). Checking brings brief relief, but ambiguous information easily breeds new suspicion. So when jealousy rises, noticing the urge to check and letting time pass, rather than going straight to the partner’s social media or messages, may help. This is common advice in counselling for anxiety, but in our search we found no study testing it as a self-help method for everyday romantic jealousy (for cognitive therapy for morbid jealousy, see “What helps” below). If you catch yourself searching your partner’s face or tone of voice for signs of lying, the guide on spotting lies sets out how faint those signs have proved in research.

When checking turns into demands on the partner, things change. Restricting or checking a partner’s phone use, insisting on knowing their account passwords and tracking their location through devices are behaviours that UK government guidance gives as examples of coercive control (Home Office, 2023). If you face demands like these and are afraid to refuse, safety comes first. In immediate danger, call your local emergency number. US: National Domestic Violence Hotline 1-800-799-7233 · UK: National Domestic Abuse Helpline 0808 2000 247. In Korea, call 112 in an emergency and the Women’s Emergency Line 1366 (24 hours) for domestic and dating violence counselling.

The idea that “men are more jealous of sexual infidelity and women of emotional infidelity” spread widely from a 1992 study by Buss and colleagues. When 202 undergraduates had to pick just one of two scenarios as more distressing, a partner forming a deep emotional attachment to someone else or a partner enjoying passionate sexual intercourse with them, 60% of the men chose sexual infidelity, while only 17% of the women did, with 83% choosing emotional infidelity. The authors read this as the result of the different adaptive problems men and women faced over evolutionary history, and noted as a limitation that the studies covered a single age group and culture (Buss et al., 1992). Buss and colleagues later reported that the pattern also appeared in samples from Korea (190 people) and Japan (316 people) as well as the United States (Buss et al., 1999).

The rebuttals are substantial. DeSteno and colleagues asked 111 undergraduates the same question both as a forced choice and as separate ratings of how upsetting each scenario would be. The sex difference appeared only with the forced choice; with separate ratings, both men and women were more jealous of sexual infidelity. In a second study of 121 people, the difference disappeared from the forced choice too when participants had to answer quickly while holding a string of digits in memory. The authors concluded that the difference is more likely an artefact of the measurement format than an automatic response shaped by evolution, while adding that they were not claiming evolution played no role in shaping jealousy, nor that the evolutionary theory is definitively wrong (DeSteno et al., 2002).

Harris’s review went through the evidence offered for the evolutionary hypothesis one line at a time and found only one hypothetical measure consistent with it, contradicted by a variety of other measures, including reported reactions to real infidelity. A meta-analysis of jealousy-inspired homicides that took base rates for murder into account found no evidence that jealousy disproportionately drives men to kill (Harris, 2003). A meta-analysis of 172 effect sizes from 54 articles found that when forced to choose, both sexes tended to pick emotional infidelity as more upsetting, and that when rating each separately, both sexes rated sexual infidelity as more upsetting; men responded as evolutionary psychology predicts only in US student samples (Carpenter, 2012). A 2020 paper summed up the debate as ongoing, but noted greater consensus across the different camps that the documented differences show up most clearly in samples that are young, heterosexual, students or American (Pollet & Saxton, 2020). In that paper’s own two replications (339 and 456 people) and meta-analyses, there was a small sex difference in jealousy provoked by a rival’s attractiveness, but none for a rival’s dominance. So rather than deciding that jealousy works one way “because I am a man” or “because I am a woman”, it is more useful to look at what is setting off your own jealousy right now. The author of the meta-analysis likewise wrote that professionals helping with jealousy would profit from avoiding sex-linked assumptions about which aspect of infidelity is likely to be more upsetting (Carpenter, 2012).

Jealousy is easily dressed up as proof of love, but once it becomes a reason to decide another person’s life for them, things are different. UK government guidance on coercive control gives as examples of controlling behaviour: controlling or monitoring the victim’s daily activities and behaviour (making them account for their time, dictating what they can wear and who they meet or talk to), using smart devices or social media to monitor them (restricting and checking phone use, needing to know passwords for accounts, using location tracking), and isolating them from family, friends and colleagues. It also cites data showing that 53% of the 13 to 17-year-olds supported by specialist services had experienced a high severity of jealous and controlling behaviour (Home Office, 2023). In England and Wales, section 76 of the Serious Crime Act 2015 made it an offence to engage repeatedly or continuously in controlling or coercive behaviour towards someone you are personally connected to when it causes them to fear, on at least two occasions, that violence will be used, or causes serious alarm or distress with a substantial adverse effect on their usual day-to-day activities; the current text covers people who are, or have been, in an intimate personal relationship (UK Parliament, 2015).

Research confirms the link between jealousy and violence. A systematic review of 51 papers from 28 countries found a consistent association between real or suspected infidelity, romantic jealousy and intimate partner violence against women. The authors wrote that their findings support theories about patriarchal culture, threatened masculinities and femininities and a lack of emotional regulation and conflict resolution skills, but not evolutionary theories (Pichon et al., 2020). A synthesis of five qualitative studies from Ecuador and four East African countries (Ethiopia, Rwanda, Tanzania and Uganda) found that men’s jealousy was used as a socially acceptable means of controlling women, even to the point of feigning jealousy to coerce sex (Pichon et al., 2025). Jealousy, in other words, can lead into control but also serve as an excuse for it. Even if a partner says “you made me suspicious”, responsibility for control and violence lies with the person who does it.

In Korea, too, dating violence is rising. In an analysis of the 2024 Women’s Violence Survey of 7,027 women aged 19 or over, 6.4% had experienced physical, sexual, emotional or economic violence or control from a current or former dating partner at least once in their lives, up from 5.0% in 2021. Dating violence in the past year was most common among women in their twenties: counting stalking too, 2.7% of those aged 19 to 29 were affected, and 1.1% for control alone (KWDI, 2025). According to a news report citing National Police Agency statistics, reports of dating violence rose every year from 57,305 in 2021 to 88,394 in 2024 (Newsis, 2025), and in 2025 they passed 100,000 for the first time, at 105,327 (Sidae, 2026). Even so, as of October 2026 Korea has no law dealing specifically with dating violence, and seven related bills are pending in the National Assembly (Sidae, 2026).

If you are afraid of your partner’s jealousy, or there are threats or violence, safety comes first. When the other person may be dangerous, do not confront them alone; tell someone you trust what is happening, and decide in advance where you would go and whom you would call in an emergency. In immediate danger, call your local emergency number. US: National Domestic Violence Hotline 1-800-799-7233 · UK: National Domestic Abuse Helpline 0808 2000 247. In Korea, call 112 in an emergency and the Women’s Emergency Line 1366 (24 hours) for domestic and dating violence counselling. Reactions that linger long after violence are covered in the trauma and PTSD guide, and if words that shake your memory and judgement keep recurring, see the gaslighting guide.

First, if your partner’s jealousy frightens you or there are threats or violence, safety comes before the conversations or couple counselling described below. In immediate danger, call your local emergency number. US: National Domestic Violence Hotline 1-800-799-7233 · UK: National Domestic Abuse Helpline 0808 2000 247. In Korea, call 112 in an emergency and the Women’s Emergency Line 1366 (24 hours) for domestic and dating violence counselling. The US National Domestic Violence Hotline does not encourage anyone in an abusive relationship to seek counselling with their partner: abuse is not a relationship problem, couple counselling cannot fix the unequal power structure of an abusive relationship, and an abuser may later use what is said in therapy against their partner (National Domestic Violence Hotline, 2022). In a relationship like that, get help separately.

If there is no fear or violence and you are the one feeling jealous, there are things to try when it rises. One is to settle your body first: name the feeling as jealousy, breathe slowly, and let time pass instead of sending a message or checking straight away. Another is to look at the thought again: write down whether there is any explanation other than “they are slow to reply, so there must be someone else”, and what the evidence actually is. Both are common methods in counselling for anxiety and emotions, but in our search we found no study testing them as self-help methods for everyday romantic jealousy (for cognitive therapy for morbid jealousy, see below).

How you say it matters too. In a study of 346 people in dating or marital relationships, how jealousy was expressed explained more of relationship satisfaction than how much jealousy was felt. Those who used integrative communication or expressed their hurt when talking about jealousy, and who refrained from distributive communication and active distancing, were the most satisfied with their relationships (Andersen et al., 1995). These categories come from research that classified communicative responses to jealousy, a classification that also lists surveillance and restriction, and violent communication and threats, separately (Guerrero et al., 1995). Another study found that violent communication was more likely with high hostility and low guilt (Guerrero et al., 2005). These studies analysed questionnaires and written accounts, so they show links, not causes. Saying how you feel, such as “I felt anxious when I could not reach you”, rather than “Who were you with?”, and not demanding proof, fits with these findings. Apologizing and making up after a jealous fight are covered in how to make up after a fight.

If jealousy is strong enough to unsettle daily life, or you cannot stop checking and questioning, a family doctor or mental health professional is a good first step; in Korea, the mental health crisis line 1577-0199 connects you to the nearest community mental health welfare centre (MOHW, 2025). In a study of 30 outpatients referred for non-psychotic morbid jealousy, the group that waited 12 weeks showed no significant change, while most of those who received cognitive therapy improved significantly on all jealousy measures right after treatment and at follow-up, and their partners’ ratings supported this. It was a small study, though, and the only comparison was the waiting group (Dolan & Bishay, 1996). Consider couple counselling only when there is no fear or violence. The attachment style test shows how you draw close and pull away in relationships, and the love language test the expressions of love you and a partner may value differently. How to talk with a partner who keeps their distance is covered in the guide on talking with an avoidant partner.

If jealousy and relationship troubles leave you feeling you are falling apart, or you have thoughts of wanting to disappear, please do not carry that alone. Reach out to a crisis line right away: call or text 988 in the US and Canada, call Samaritans on 116 123 in the UK and Ireland, or find a line at findahelpline.com elsewhere. If you are in immediate danger, contact your local emergency services.

Q. Is there a jealousy test? A. mind.io does not offer a jealousy test. Research uses questionnaires such as the Multidimensional Jealousy Scale, which measure thoughts, feelings and behaviour separately (Pfeiffer & Wong, 1989), but this guide prints no items or cut-off scores, and we found no validated cut-off that sorts out “a jealous person” from a single score. The attachment style test shows how you draw close and pull away in relationships, and the self-esteem test how much you value yourself right now, but neither is a jealousy test.

Q. Isn’t jealousy proof of love? A. Not necessarily. Emotional jealousy was higher where love was higher, but cognitive jealousy, which is closer to suspicious thinking, went with lower love (Pfeiffer & Wong, 1989). And checking a partner’s phone or stopping them from seeing people because of jealousy may be a sign of control rather than proof of love (Home Office, 2023). If a partner’s jealousy frightens you, safety comes first. In immediate danger, call your local emergency number. US: National Domestic Violence Hotline 1-800-799-7233 · UK: National Domestic Abuse Helpline 0808 2000 247.

Q. Is there an MBTI type that is especially jealous? A. The MBTI is not a test of jealousy. What research reports alongside jealousy are traits such as anxious-ambivalent attachment, neuroticism, social anxiety and hostility (Buunk, 1997). Rather than looking at type, it is more useful to notice the situations in which your jealousy rises.

Q. How is pathological jealousy different from ordinary jealousy? A. Delusional jealousy, known in psychiatry as Othello syndrome, is a delusion of jealousy that one’s spouse is having affairs; it is narrower than jealousy that is simply intense. A systematic review of 73 cases published from 1983 to 2023 (mean age 58.2) found varied causes, including psychiatric disorders such as delusional disorder (22%), other medical conditions such as stroke (52%) and medications or other substances (26%), and violence was reported in 34% of cases. Remission was reported in 70% of the cases, but treatment was delayed by more than 3 years on average (Park et al., 2024). Because it pools published case reports, it cannot say how common the condition is. If a conviction will not budge despite no evidence, a psychiatric assessment is needed (your family doctor can refer you). If you are the one being suspected, do not confront it alone, and put your safety first. In immediate danger, call your local emergency number. US: National Domestic Violence Hotline 1-800-799-7233 · UK: National Domestic Abuse Helpline 0808 2000 247.

Q. Is it all right to secretly look at my partner’s phone? A. Checking brings brief relief, but ambiguous information can breed new suspicion; the authors of the Facebook study proposed a loop in which ambiguous information prompts more checking (Muise et al., 2009). Checking phone use and demanding passwords are also behaviours listed as examples of coercive control (Home Office, 2023). If you are suspicious, say calmly how you feel, and if the anxiety does not ease, consider counselling.

Q. Jealousy is making me so miserable that I want to disappear. A. Please do not carry that alone. Reach out to a crisis line right away: call or text 988 in the US and Canada, call Samaritans on 116 123 in the UK and Ireland, or find a line at findahelpline.com elsewhere. If you are in immediate danger, contact your local emergency services. Low self-esteem has been linked to strong jealousy (Mullen & Martin, 1994), but it does not sum up who you are. Practising treating yourself kindly again is covered in the guide to building self-esteem and the self-compassion guide.

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