Coping with avoidant attachment: noticing the urge to pull away

If the attachment style test said you are avoidant, your first thought may be “so I am a cold person.” In adult attachment research, though, avoidance does not mean a cold personality. It is one dimension, how uncomfortable it feels to lean on and depend on someone close, and together with anxiety, how much you worry about being abandoned, it is one of the two dimensions used to describe attachment (Brennan, Clark and Shaver, 1998).

Researchers call the mental strategies that people high in avoidance tend to use “deactivating strategies.” When reaching out seems pointless, you hold back the wish to ask for support, try to handle hard things alone, deny attachment needs altogether, or avoid closeness and dependence by widening the distance (Mikulincer, Shaver and Pereg, 2003). Because this is a defense learned to suffer fewer disappointments, from the inside it can simply feel like “I am just someone who is better off alone.”

These strategies have their uses. The ability to solve problems on your own and a calm that is not easily swept away can be real strengths. In close relationships, though, they often come at a cost: your partner can feel pushed away, and you may not get help when you need it. This guide is not asking you to stop being who you are. It collects practices for noticing the moments when you want distance, so that you can choose differently when you want to.

Deactivation tends to switch on as a relationship gets closer. Typical moments include defining the relationship or talking about living together, a partner opening up about feeling hurt, an argument that drags on, and times when you are ill or worn out and need someone’s help.

What it looks like differs from person to person. You might reply less often or put off meeting because you are “busy,” suddenly notice your partner’s small flaws in a big way, delay decisions with “I am not sure yet,” or compare the relationship with a past one. Popular books on relationship psychology also describe these as common examples of deactivation (Levine and Heller, 2010).

The key point is that these moves are not necessarily proof that you dislike the person. They may be an alarm that gets louder as you get closer. When the urge for distance comes, simply asking yourself “is it this person, or is it the closeness that feels uncomfortable?” already gives you more options. That said, if your partner belittles or controls you, the urge to step back may be a fair signal that protects you (see “When it is hard to do alone” below).

The first step is noticing. When you want to put off replying, or your partner’s words suddenly feel like a chore, check what is happening in your body. Sometimes the body signals first, with a sense of being hemmed in, short of air or suddenly tired.

Once you notice it, name it. Putting it into words, such as “my distance button just got pressed” or “I want to back off because closeness feels uncomfortable,” opens a small gap between you and the urge. If you also rate the discomfort from 0 to 10 and jot it down, your own pattern of which situations make the signal stronger starts to show.

You do not need to force the discomfort away. Research has found that people high in avoidance tend to push away painful thoughts and to not acknowledge negative feelings (Mikulincer, Shaver and Pereg, 2003). So simply admitting “this feels uncomfortable right now” is already a different choice from the usual one.

Disappearing without a word and saying you need some time before stepping back land very differently. When contact simply stops, your partner can easily feel abandoned, and that anxiety often comes back as more messages and questions, which makes you feel even more crowded: a loop that is easy to fall into.

So leave one sentence before you step back. Something like “I need a little time on my own to sort out my thoughts. It is not about pulling away from you, and I will text you first tomorrow evening” says what you need, that you are not leaving and when you will be back. Pausing when feelings run too high in an argument, then returning once you have calmed down, is also what couples researcher John Gottman recommends (Gottman and Silver, 1999).

Keep the return time you set. As the experience of coming back when you said you would builds up, your partner can trust that stepping back does not mean leaving, and you can learn that you can take distance and still stay close. If you are on the other side, with an avoidant partner, see how to talk to an avoidant partner.

Avoidance, too, is seen less as a set trait than as a pattern that can shift with relationship experience. Researchers use the term earned security for people who recall difficult early relationships with their parents yet now talk about them calmly and coherently, the way people with a secure style do (Pearson, Cohn, Cowan and Cowan, 1994). Which experiences may help when avoidance is high is covered in becoming more securely attached.

Practice in a relationship where you feel respected, and start small. Name what you feel in one word once a day, accept a small offer of help instead of turning it down, ask for something minor first, or stay five minutes longer in a hard conversation. Rather than waiting for the discomfort to reach zero, pick a size you can manage while still feeling uncomfortable.

Who you practice with matters too. Experiences with someone who waits instead of chasing and pressing when you step back, and who welcomes you when you return, may be the biggest practice of all. If your partner is anxious, start by understanding together that your alarms go off in opposite directions. Attachment styles in dating shows how each pairing tends to play out.

Long-standing patterns can be hard to change alone. If close relationships keep ending the same way, or the same conflict keeps coming back with a partner, counseling is one option. Individual counseling can look at when and how the pulling away began, and some forms of couples therapy work on a pair’s cycle from an attachment point of view (Johnson, 2008).

If the wish to avoid people spreads beyond romance to friends, family and daily life, and listlessness or low mood lasts more than two weeks, it may be about mood rather than attachment. The depression check-in (PHQ-9) can help you put how you are into words before you talk to a professional. It is a screening tool, not a diagnosis.

Also, the wish for distance may be a fair signal about how your partner is behaving. If a partner controls you, threatens you or puts you down, that is not your attachment problem; it is a safety problem. Rather than practicing staying longer, reach out first to people you trust or to a specialist service. Warning signs and helplines are listed under “When it is not about attachment” in how to talk to an avoidant partner.

If things feel so heavy that you have thoughts of hurting yourself, you can contact a crisis line at any time: 988 in the US and Canada, or Samaritans on 116 123 in the UK and Ireland.

Q. Can avoidant attachment be fixed? A. It is less a defect to fix than a pattern that can change. Noticing the signals of pulling away, leaving one sentence when you step back and repeatedly experiencing small doses of closeness may gradually help you move toward the secure side. Retaking the test after a few months and comparing your anxiety and avoidance scores is one way to see the change.

Q. Is avoidant the same as introverted? A. No. Introversion is a trait about how much energy and enjoyment you get from being around people and activity; avoidance is an attachment dimension about how uncomfortable it feels to lean on someone close. Some introverts lean comfortably on a partner, and some sociable people pull back the moment a relationship deepens. Whether some MBTI types really are more avoidant is covered in our guide to MBTI types and attachment styles.

Q. What should I do when my partner says they feel hurt? A. Before offering a fix or leaving the room, one sentence that first acknowledges their feeling, such as “so that is how it felt,” helps. If the moment is too much, ask for time and say when you will come back.

Q. How is avoidant different from fearful-avoidant? A. Both involve pulling away, but the fearful-avoidant style also brings high anxiety about being abandoned, so the wish to get close and the wish to back off grow together. Avoidant people worry less about being abandoned, so they tend to lean toward keeping their distance.

References: Brennan, Clark & Shaver (1998), in Attachment Theory and Close Relationships (Simpson & Rholes, eds.); Mikulincer, Shaver & Pereg (2003), Motivation and Emotion 27(2), 77-102, https://doi.org/10.1023/A:1024515519160; Pearson, Cohn, Cowan & Cowan (1994), Development and Psychopathology 6(2); Gottman & Silver (1999), The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work; Johnson (2008), Hold Me Tight; Levine & Heller (2010), Attached.