Becoming more securely attached: how insecure attachment can change

After an anxious or avoidant result on the attachment style test, a common question is “how can I become secure?” Start with what secure means. In adult attachment research, secure is the place where both anxiety, the worry about being abandoned, and avoidance, the discomfort with closeness, are low (Brennan, Clark and Shaver, 1998). It is close to being able to lean on someone when things are hard, and to trust the relationship when you are not leaning.

Becoming secure does not mean never feeling anxious or hurt. Secure people argue and wobble too. What differs is how quickly they come back to talking, and back to seeing themselves and their partner as fairly trustworthy. So the goal is not a “perfectly secure” label but a direction: anxiety and avoidance scores easing a little, and recovery getting faster.

This guide covers what research says about how much attachment changes, the relationship experiences that help people high in anxiety and people high in avoidance, and practices you can try in daily life.

Attachment does carry over to some extent. A meta-analysis of studies that followed people from infancy to age 19 found that attachment security was moderately stable (Fraley, 2002). Early life matters, but it does not set things in stone.

Change is also seen in adulthood. A study combining several samples followed from age 13 to 72 found that attachment anxiety declined on average with age, especially from middle age on, and that avoidance declined gradually across the life span. Anxiety and avoidance were both lower during periods when people were in a relationship (Chopik, Edelstein and Grimm, 2019). These are average trends, though, and they do not show that being in a relationship is the cause.

People also change in different ways. A study that followed women for two years after high school found that some people’s attachment style fluctuated often, and these women were more likely to have had difficult earlier experiences (Davila, Burge and Hammen, 1997). Scores that go up and down may be less a failure than a sign that earlier experiences still have a pull. During a shaky period, getting support may do more for change than holding on alone.

One model of how relationships reshape attachment proposes that attachment anxiety should decline most in situations that strengthen a person’s confidence and a more secure view of the self (Arriaga et al., 2018). A partner’s reassurance can calm anxiety in the moment, but on its own it may not change the beliefs underneath.

So for people high in anxious attachment, experiences of doing things themselves may help more than getting reassurance more often. Learning something new, reaching a small goal and having a partner cheer that effort on can grow the sense that “I can stand on my own feet.” With your partner, try more conversations that share your growth, such as “I am going to try this this week, root for me,” rather than “tell me you still love me.”

Practices for the moment anxiety rises, such as noticing the urge to check and waiting it out, are covered in coping with anxious attachment.

The same model proposes that attachment avoidance, high in the avoidant style, should decline most in situations that involve positive dependence, leaning on someone and finding it fine, and that foster more trusting views of close others (Arriaga et al., 2018). This does not mean giving up your ability to handle things alone. It means handing over small things first and collecting memories of it going well.

In one experiment, more avoidant people who did intimacy-building activities with their partner went on to share more about themselves, and their avoidance scores were lower a month later (Stanton, Campbell and Pink, 2017). Small positive experiences, such as setting aside time to ask each other questions or trying a new activity together, can be a starting point.

Practices for noticing the urge to pull back and asking for time are in coping with avoidant attachment, and practices for the fearful-avoidant style, where both pulls shake at once, are in coping with fearful-avoidant attachment.

Security does not come from one person alone. The more trustworthy relationships you have, not only a partner but also friends, family and colleagues, the better you can hold steady when one of them wobbles. This week, reach out first to one trustworthy person you have not been in touch with lately.

Lab studies have repeatedly found that simply bringing to mind someone who cared for you briefly raises a sense of security, which in turn improves mood and how people treat others (Mikulincer and Shaver, 2007). Asking yourself in a hard moment “what would that person say to me now?” carries the same idea into daily life. How long such effects last is still being studied.

Finally, practice giving the responses you would like to receive. Listening to the end when your partner shares something hard, keeping promises and being the first to come back after an argument give your partner a sense of security, and they also give you evidence that relationships can recover.

Some people whose childhood stories hold a lot of hardship can now put those experiences into words calmly and coherently. In one study, researchers classed such people as earned-secure (Pearson, Cohn, Cowan and Cowan, 1994). How people get there differs, but trustworthy relationships and counseling can support the process. If the same pattern keeps repeating across relationships, looking at it with a counselor is a good option.

If low or anxious mood lasts more than two weeks, beyond relationship problems, the depression check-in (PHQ-9) or the anxiety check-in (GAD-7) can help you see where you are before you talk to a professional. These check-ins are not diagnoses; they are a way to start the conversation.

One more thing: practices for building security assume a relationship of mutual respect. If a partner controls you, threatens you or puts you down, reach out first to people you trust or to a specialist service rather than trying to find security in that relationship. Warning signs and helplines are listed under “When it is not about attachment” in how to talk to an avoidant partner.

If things feel so heavy that you have thoughts of hurting yourself, you can contact a crisis line at any time: 988 in the US and Canada, or Samaritans on 116 123 in the UK and Ireland.

Q. How long does it take to become secure? A. There is no set time. The changes seen in research range from small shifts a month later to trends over decades, and the pace differs from person to person. Rather than holding on to a single result, retake the test every few months and watch which way your anxiety and avoidance scores move.

Q. Does being in a relationship make you secure? A. The quality of the relationship matters more than having one. One study found lower anxiety and avoidance during periods in a relationship (Chopik, Edelstein and Grimm, 2019), but that does not mean the relationship is the cause. A relationship with mutual respect and kept promises tends to help, while one that keeps you anxious can make anxiety grow.

Q. Once you are secure, do anxious and hurt feelings stop? A. No. Secure people feel hurt and anxious too. The difference lies in whether they put those feelings into words and how quickly they return to the relationship after an argument. See the secure page for more on what security looks like.

Q. Can you grow more secure without a partner? A. Yes. Attachment is shaped by trustworthy relationships of all kinds, not only romantic ones: friends, family, counselors. Experiences of leaning on others safely and of doing things yourself can be built outside romance as well.

References: Brennan, Clark & Shaver (1998), in Attachment Theory and Close Relationships (Simpson & Rholes, eds.); Fraley (2002), Personality and Social Psychology Review 6(2), 123-151, https://doi.org/10.1207/S15327957PSPR0602_03; Chopik, Edelstein & Grimm (2019), Journal of Personality and Social Psychology 116(4), 598-611, https://doi.org/10.1037/pspp0000167; Davila, Burge & Hammen (1997), Journal of Personality and Social Psychology 73(4), 826-838, https://doi.org/10.1037/0022-3514.73.4.826; Arriaga, Kumashiro, Simpson & Overall (2018), Personality and Social Psychology Review 22(1), 71-96, https://doi.org/10.1177/1088868317705257; Stanton, Campbell & Pink (2017), Journal of Personality and Social Psychology 113(4), 568-588, https://doi.org/10.1037/pspi0000098; Mikulincer & Shaver (2007), Psychological Inquiry 18(3), 139-156, https://doi.org/10.1080/10478400701512646; Pearson, Cohn, Cowan & Cowan (1994), Development and Psychopathology 6(2).