Breakup recovery: how to get over a breakup, how heartbreak eases and what helps

Breakups are common, but they are never small for the person going through one. In a US study that surveyed 1,295 unmarried adults aged 18 to 35 who were in a relationship, every 4 months for 20 months, 36.5% went through at least one breakup in that time. After a breakup, psychological distress rose and life satisfaction fell on average; the average change was small but not trivial. People differed a lot: in 43.4% of breakups well-being clearly worsened (by more than half a standard deviation), yet in 19.6% psychological distress clearly fell instead (Rhoades et al., 2011). Hurting so much it knocks you flat, hurting less than you expected and feeling relieved are all possible reactions.

There is brain research behind the idea that a breakup “hurts”. When people who had recently gone through a breakup they did not want looked at a photo of their ex and thought about being rejected, some brain areas involved in sensing physical pain became active as well (Kross et al., 2011). But when a later study involving the same research group looked at finer patterns of brain activity in 60 people, physical pain and the pain of rejection could be told apart (Woo et al., 2014). Similar areas responding does not make it the same pain, and it does not make heartache any less real.

This guide gathers research that applies to anyone after a breakup, whatever their attachment style. If the urge to get in touch is especially strong, also read recovering from a breakup with anxious attachment; if your ex went silent without a word, see ghosting by an avoidant partner. It is not a diagnosis. If things feel so heavy that you are having thoughts of hurting yourself, please read “When it turns into depression, and where to get help” below first.

It is natural to want to know how long getting over a breakup takes, but what research shows is a shape rather than a date. In a study where 58 young adults who had split up from a serious partner kept an emotion diary for 28 days, prompted by randomly timed pagers, those who had broken up had bigger emotional swings than people still in relationships, especially right after the breakup. Love declined fairly steadily, but sadness, anger and relief changed along curves rather than straight lines (Sbarra & Emery, 2005). Feeling fine yesterday and falling apart again today does not mean recovery has failed.

An analysis by the same research team of similar diary data (58 people, 4 weeks) found that how far someone had accepted the breakup was linked to sadness easing, and that the stronger their remaining love or anger towards the ex, the less likely their sadness was to recover within the 4 weeks (Sbarra, 2006). What these studies show are different curves for different feelings, not stages everyone passes through in the same order. The familiar “five stages” come from a 1969 book about conversations with dying patients, and even for grief after a death the evidence that people go through stages in order is weak; that story is told in grief: what helps.

What makes a breakup harder? In a study of 192 university students after a recent breakup, those with the most distress were more likely to be only a short time past the breakup, not to have been the one who ended it, to have found it sudden and unexpected, to have felt rejected and betrayed, and not yet to have a new partner. They also had more intrusive, unwanted thoughts and more trouble stopping them, more disturbed sleep, and higher depression and anxiety scores (Field et al., 2009). A German study of 3,734 separations among 2,709 people aged 18 to 48 likewise found fewer negative feelings when the person had ended it, had a new partner, was further from the separation, or was satisfied with the people around them (Tran et al., 2024). Having lived together or had marriage plans went with a bigger drop in life satisfaction (Rhoades et al., 2011). When these conditions pile up, it is harder for anyone; it is not that you are unusually weak.

In a long relationship, friends, hobbies, daily routines and even your sense of who you are come to overlap with the other person. A breakup tears that shared part away all at once. In a paper reporting three studies, people’s self-concepts changed in content after a breakup and became less clear, and this loss of clarity predicted post-breakup distress on its own (Slotter et al., 2010). Feeling that you no longer know who you are after a breakup is a common reaction.

That confusion can ease. In a study following 210 recently separated young adults for 9 weeks, those who came in four times for assessments about their breakup (120 people) showed larger drops in confusion about themselves than those assessed only at the start and the end (90 people). As their sense of self became clearer, intrusive feelings about the breakup and loneliness decreased, and they used the word “we” less when talking about the separation (Larson & Sbarra, 2015). It did not test counselling or writing, but it suggests that time spent calmly looking back on the breakup can help rebuild a sense of self.

Growth after a breakup has been studied too. 92 university students after a recent breakup named on average five kinds of growth they thought might help their next relationship, and the more they blamed the ex for the breakup, the more distress they felt (Tashiro & Frazier, 2003). In a study of 155 university students who had broken up within the past 6 months, people reported more growth when the relationship that ended had done little to expand who they were, and rediscovering parts of themselves they had lost came in between (Lewandowski & Bizzoco, 2007). These studies asked people about the growth they perceived, which is not the same as actual change, but pain and growth can come together. Not feeling any growth yet does not mean you are doing it wrong.

Thinking about your ex again and again is common after a breakup. What makes the difference is how you think. In a study of 231 young adults whose relationship of 3 months or longer had ended within the past 12 months, brooding over the same ground and regret went with poorer adjustment, while calm reflection aimed at understanding went with better adjustment. Being preoccupied with the past relationship and regret about the romance also went with poorer adjustment (Saffrey & Ehrenberg, 2007). Replaying “why did it happen” dozens of times is not the same as working out “what did I learn from this relationship”. The loops that keep thoughts going, and how to ease them, are covered in overthinking: what helps.

Ways of handling these thoughts have been compared in experiments too. Participants who were upset about a breakup tried three strategies before viewing a photo of their ex. Reappraising the ex in a negative light reduced feelings of love but left people feeling more unpleasant. Reappraising the feelings of love themselves changed neither how much love they felt nor how pleasant they felt, and turning attention to other thoughts left love unchanged but made people feel more pleasant. All three reduced the brain’s attention to the photo of the ex (Langeslag & Sanchez, 2018). These were short effects measured in a lab, so how long they last is unknown, but they suggest that what helps you let go and what helps you get through today may be different things.

Checking an ex on social media fits the same picture. In a study of 464 people, those who checked their ex’s Facebook more often had more distress over the breakup, more negative feelings and more longing, and felt less personal growth (Marshall, 2012). It looked at associations, so it cannot tell whether the checking fed the distress or the distress drove the checking. Still, if checking stirs you up rather than settling you, you can cut down on the chances of seeing them: mute, hide or turn off notifications. A concrete plan for when the urge to get in touch hits is in recovering from a breakup with anxious attachment.

Whether to cut off contact completely after a breakup is one of the questions people ask most. In the study of 58 people above, the more someone kept in contact with the ex, the more slowly love and sadness declined (Sbarra & Emery, 2005). Yet a study of 137 adults recently separated from a spouse found that among those who had accepted the separation more, people in contact with their ex had better adjustment, and that among those in contact, people who had accepted it less had poorer adjustment (Mason et al., 2012). Children, work or shared friends can make some contact necessary. So no contact is less a rule everyone must follow than an option you can choose if contact is shaking you badly right now.

Staying friends has no single right answer either. People who stayed Facebook friends with their ex felt fewer negative feelings and less longing than those who did not, but also less growth (Marshall, 2012). Staying connected went with hurting less but also with feeling less growth; again these are associations, so which causes which is unknown. Breaking up and getting back together is not rare: almost two thirds of 445 US university students had been in an on-again, off-again relationship, and in a study of 236 others, the more times a couple had got back together, the more negatives and the fewer positives people reported in the relationship (Dailey et al., 2009). If you are seriously thinking about getting back together, start with the questions to ask yourself in thinking about getting back together: an attachment checklist.

If your ex keeps contacting you after you have cut contact, turns up outside your home or workplace, or answers the breakup with threats to hurt you or themselves, that is not heartbreak but a safety problem. In a US study across 11 cities of women who had been abused, separation, especially from a controlling partner, was among the factors that raised the risk of being killed by that partner, and stalking was linked to the risk too (Campbell et al., 2003). If you are afraid, do not try to settle things face to face, and if you have to meet, do not go alone. Keep a record of calls, messages and visits, and tell someone you trust. In immediate danger, call your local emergency number. US: National Domestic Violence Hotline 1-800-799-7233 · UK: National Domestic Abuse Helpline 0808 2000 247. In Korea, call 112 in an emergency and the Women’s Emergency Line 1366 (24 hours) for domestic and dating violence counselling.

Protect your sleep and the basic shape of your day first. After a breakup, people in more distress more often slept badly (Field et al., 2009), and in a meta-analysis of 154 experiments (5,717 people) that cut healthy people’s sleep, every form of sleep loss reduced positive feelings and increased anxiety symptoms (Palmer et al., 2024). Keep a regular wake-up time and keep your phone away from the bed late at night. Eat regular meals, move your body a little, and if time you used to spend together now feels empty, fill it in advance with something small. If your sleep still has not come back after a few weeks, see insomnia: what helps.

Stay connected to people. In the German study, people satisfied with those around them had fewer negative feelings after the breakup (Tran et al., 2024). It does not need to be grand comfort: one or two people to share a meal or a walk with, or to whom you can say “I’m having a hard time lately”, is enough. If loneliness lingers after the breakup, loneliness: what helps may help.

Writing worked differently depending on how it was done. In an experiment that randomly assigned 87 people after a recent breakup, those who wrote with a focus on its positive sides had more positive feelings right afterwards, but their negative feelings were no different from those who did other kinds of writing (Lewandowski, 2009). By contrast, when 90 adults separated from a spouse wrote about their deepest feelings for 20 minutes on each of 3 days, those who were already ruminating hard and searching for meaning in the separation did worse emotionally for up to 9 months than people like them who had written plainly about their daily activities (Sbarra et al., 2013). If writing helps you sort things out, keep going; if the more you write the more you replay the same scenes, switch to forward-looking questions such as “what was I like in this relationship that I liked?” and “what do I want to protect next time?”, or take a break.

The sadness of a breakup usually fades with time, but it can lead into depression. In a study that assessed 1,470 older adolescents twice, those who had recently gone through a breakup were more likely to have a first episode of major depression (Monroe et al., 1999). A study comparing 71 Dutch 18- to 26-year-olds whose breakup was less than 6 months old with 46 people in relationships found that, although the group that had broken up was not depressed on average, its depression scores were higher, and 26.8% had at least mild depressive symptoms on a questionnaire (Verhallen et al., 2019). A questionnaire score is not a diagnosis, but in this sample depressive symptoms after a breakup were not rare.

Get help if, for more than 2 weeks, you feel low or take no pleasure in anything nearly every day, if your sleep or eating has been badly disrupted, or if you are struggling to keep up with work, study or daily life. The depression check-in (PHQ-9) lets you look at the past 2 weeks. A self-check is not a diagnosis. In Korea you can go to a psychiatric clinic or a local mental health welfare centre; elsewhere, start with a family doctor or a local mental health service. What a first appointment involves is described in seeing a psychiatrist for the first time, and treatments and steps that help with depression in depression: what helps.

If after a breakup you have thoughts of ending your life or of hurting yourself, do not carry them alone: call or text 988 in the US and Canada, or call Samaritans on 116 123 in the UK and Ireland, right away. Elsewhere, find a line at findahelpline.com. If you are in immediate danger, contact your local emergency services.

Q. How long does it take to get over a breakup? A. There is no set time. Research shows emotions swing especially hard right after a breakup and negative feelings tend to lessen as time passes (Sbarra & Emery, 2005; Tran et al., 2024). How hard it hits also differed with whether you had lived together or had marriage plans (Rhoades et al., 2011) and whether the breakup was sudden (Field et al., 2009). Good days and bad days alternating is normal; if daily life has stayed in pieces for more than 2 weeks, see “When it turns into depression, and where to get help” above.

Q. Will starting a new relationship help me get over it faster? A. Studies have found that people with a new partner had an easier time after a breakup (Rhoades et al., 2011; Tran et al., 2024), and one found that people who had started a new relationship felt more confident in their desirability and more resolved about their ex (Brumbaugh & Fraley, 2015). But these all show things that go together, so they cannot tell whether the new relationship brought recovery or people who had recovered started new relationships. There is no need to rush into one as a way to forget.

Q. I was the one who ended it, so why does it hurt this much? A. That is not strange. People who ended the relationship had fewer negative feelings on average (Tran et al., 2024), but that is only an average, and in the same study guilt was explained less well by these conditions than the other feelings. Even when ending the relationship was the right decision, grief for the loss can still come.

Q. I want to get back together. Should I? A. Getting back together is not always a bad idea, but one study found that the more times a couple had got back together, the more negatives and the fewer positives they reported (Dailey et al., 2009). First think through what would need to change so you do not split up again for the same reasons; the questions are in thinking about getting back together: an attachment checklist. If your ex threatened or controlled you, this is not a question of getting back together but of your safety. In immediate danger, call your local emergency number. US: National Domestic Violence Hotline 1-800-799-7233 · UK: National Domestic Abuse Helpline 0808 2000 247.

Q. The breakup hurts so much I want to die. A. Please do not carry this alone. Reach out to a crisis line right away: call or text 988 in the US and Canada, call Samaritans on 116 123 in the UK and Ireland, or find a line at findahelpline.com elsewhere. If you are in immediate danger, contact your local emergency services.

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