Thinking about getting back together: an attachment checklist

Thinking about an ex again, and feeling that this time it could be different, is not unusual. Breaking up and getting back together is more common than people think, and some couples really do come back stronger. Still, research has found that relationships that cycle through breakups and reunions tend to be less satisfying than those that do not. What matters is not whether you get back together but what has changed when you do.

The internet is full of “get your ex back” techniques: going cold to make them miss you, stirring up jealousy, timing every message. But a relationship won back by steering someone’s feelings tends to bring the same insecurity back with it. This guide is not a way to make someone return. It is a checklist for working out, honestly, whether getting back together would be good for you and for them.

Attachment is one lens for looking at this question; it does not decide the outcome. An anxious and an avoidant partner are not doomed, and two secure partners are not guaranteed a happy ending. You can explore your own tendencies with the attachment style test. And if there was violence or there were threats in the relationship, please read “When not to go back,” right below, first.

In some situations you do not need a checklist. If someone has hit you, pushed you or thrown things; threatened to hurt you, or themselves, when you tried to leave; controlled your phone, money or friendships; or, after the breakup, waited outside your home or work and kept contacting and following you, the answer is not to get back together. This is not something an attachment style explains. It is a matter of safety.

Relationships like these tend to repeat the promise “This time I’ll really change.” When tender periods alternate with frightening ones, it is tempting to believe the tender side is the real person, but there is no telling in advance where violence and control will go, and the danger can rise especially when you try to leave or just after you have left (Campbell et al., 2003). So when you leave or keep your distance, it helps to make a safety plan with a specialist service. Wanting to go back does not make you weak. But do not weigh that wish alone; talk it through with a specialist service first. Why relationships like these are hard to leave, and how to leave safely, are covered in the trauma bonding guide.

If you are in immediate danger, call your local emergency number. In the US, the National Domestic Violence Hotline answers at 1-800-799-7233; in the UK, the National Domestic Abuse Helpline is 0808 2000 247. If an ex keeps following you or will not stop contacting you, keep a record and ask for help. How behavior like this differs from attachment patterns such as avoidance is also covered in ghosting by an avoidant partner.

Before reaching out, answer these honestly on paper. Do I miss this person, or do I find being alone hard to bear? What was the real reason we broke up? Is that reason gone now, or just forgotten for a while? If I met this person for the first time today, knowing everything I know now, would I still want to date them?

Look at where the feeling is coming from, too. Someone closer to anxious may want to reunite because the pain of the breakup is so intense that getting back together seems like the way to stop it. Then reuniting becomes a painkiller that switches off the hurt for a while rather than something that repairs the relationship. On the other hand, research suggests that someone closer to avoidant tends to get through a breakup relatively calmly (Davis, Shaver and Vernon, 2003). If you have started to miss your ex once there is some distance, first ask yourself whether the same restlessness would come back once you are close again.

For someone closer to fearful-avoidant, the wish to be close and the fear of being hurt arrive together. Pulling away when things get close and reaching back when things get distant can repeat, so breaking up and reuniting several times is not unusual. If that sounds familiar, rather than asking “Is it really over this time?”, talk first about what starts to feel frightening as you get closer, and how you will signal it to each other when that fear rises.

Finally, check that you are not making this decision under time pressure. The first weeks after a breakup are the hardest time to judge anything. If the urge to reach out is strong, try the urge plan in recovering from a breakup with anxious attachment first, then ask yourself again, once things have calmed a little, whether you reach the same conclusion.

For a reunion not to end the same way, both people need concrete change. The key is behavior, not feelings. “I’ll do better this time” is a promise, not a change. Change is something you can see and check, such as “When we argue, I’ll say ‘Let’s take thirty minutes and talk again’ instead of disappearing,” or “When I’m anxious, I’ll ask for what I need in one sentence instead of pressing you.”

Change on one side is not enough. The pursue-withdraw loop is like a dance two people do together: if one person changes their steps and the other does not, things quickly slide back. The anxious partner practices asking instead of checking, and the withdrawing partner practices naming a time to come back instead of leaving. You can see which loops different combinations tend to fall into on the attachment pair pages, such as the anxious and avoidant pair.

Change is confirmed by time, not by words. If you decide to try again, treat the first few months as a period for checking, and watch what actually changes when conflict comes up. If your own efforts are not enough, couples counseling can help. Approaches such as Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) work directly with this loop from an attachment perspective.

If you notice scenes like these after getting back together, you may be sliding back into the same loop. You never really talked about why you broke up and papered over it with “Let’s go back to how things were.” The first weeks were unusually sweet, then the old arguments started again in exactly the same way. “Fine, let’s break up, then” comes out in every fight. Only one of you keeps holding back and adjusting.

If you have broken up and got back together several times, the pattern itself deserves a look. Researchers call this “relationship cycling,” and in such relationships they have found lower satisfaction and more uncertainty about where things are going; some studies also report lower commitment. Try not to mistake the rollercoaster, where the joy of each reunion is matched by the pain of the next breakup, for the size of your love.

There are signs of a healthy reunion, too. If you can both name specifically why you broke up, you each own your share of the responsibility, you come back to each other faster than before after conflict, and your friendships and routines outside the relationship are still in place, the time you have spent together again may be taking a different road from last time.

If you decide to reach out, be honest rather than testing the waters. Trying to make them jealous, or acting indifferent to see how they react, lays down the same insecurity from the start. For example: “I’ve been thinking about us a lot lately. Part of me wants to try again, but before anything else I’d like us to talk honestly about why we broke up. What do you think?” But if they have blocked you or asked you not to contact them, do not reach out at all, including through other accounts or friends. Repeated unwanted contact can become harassment or stalking.

Do not rush the conversation. Instead of reaching a conclusion the first time, spread it over a few talks: why you broke up, what each of you could do differently, and what you could promise if you tried again. A sentence like “I’m sorry I bombarded you with messages when I was anxious. From now on, I’ll just tell you when I’m anxious. When things get hard for you, could you say ‘I need some time’ instead of disappearing?” is an example of a concrete commitment.

If they do not want to, respecting that answer is part of the conversation too. Close with “Okay. Thank you for being honest with me,” and do not follow up with persuasion or repeated messages. Their no is not a verdict on your worth; it is information that the two of you want different things. If they cut off contact without answering, see the “one message, then let it be” approach in ghosting by an avoidant partner.

Q. Will an anxious and an avoidant partner just break up again? A. Nothing is decided in advance; attachment styles do not determine how a relationship ends. But unless both of you notice the pursue-withdraw loop and build ways to handle it together, the same scenes are likely to repeat. Agreeing in advance on signals and promises to use during conflict is the most realistic place to start.

Q. My ex asked to get back together. Should I say yes? A. What has changed matters more than who reached out first. Do not decide on “I missed you” alone. Listen to how they see the reasons you broke up and what they say they would do differently. If you need time to think, it is fine to say, “Let me think about it for a few days.”

Q. I want to get back together, but all my friends are against it. A. Your friends’ concern can be valuable information from outside the relationship. Especially if several people worry for the same reason, write that reason down and look at it calmly alongside the questions above. The decision is yours, but there may be scenes you are not seeing.

Q. This is our third time getting back together. Will it be different? A. Repeating it several times is likely a sign of a pattern between you that has not yet been dealt with. If you cannot say specifically what has actually changed this time, consider putting the decision on hold and seeing a counselor, separately or together.

Whether you decide to try again or to end things, the decision is not a failure; it is a choice made for your own sake. Either way, there will be shaky days afterward. You need friends, routines and time of your own to come back to. When a relationship becomes your whole life, you tend to fall apart with it whenever it wobbles.

Knowing your own pattern helps as well. Noting the moments when you want to reach out again, and the moments when you keep swallowing things in a relationship, lets you make the next decision more clearly. For an overview of the loops different attachment combinations tend to create, read attachment styles in dating as well.

If being caught between breaking up and getting back together feels so heavy that you have thoughts of hurting yourself, please do not carry it alone. In the US and Canada you can call or text 988; in the UK and Ireland, Samaritans answer on 116 123, free, 24/7. Elsewhere, findahelpline.com lists local lines. If you are in immediate danger, contact your local emergency services.

References: Hazan & Shaver (1987), Journal of Personality and Social Psychology 52(3); Campbell et al. (2003), American Journal of Public Health 93(7); Davis, Shaver & Vernon (2003), Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin 29(7); Dailey et al. (2009), Personal Relationships 16(1); Vennum et al. (2014), Journal of Social and Personal Relationships 31; Mikulincer & Shaver (2016), Attachment in Adulthood, 2nd ed.; Johnson (2008), Hold Me Tight.