Regret: what people regret most, why some regrets linger, and what research says helps

Regret is the feeling behind “I wish I hadn’t done that” and “I wish I had tried”. The researchers who proposed regret regulation theory defined it as a comparison-based emotion of self-blame, felt when people realise or imagine that their present situation would have been better had they decided differently in the past. In this definition regret has two preconditions: you had a hand in the decision, and you think another decision would have turned out better. If you were not the cause, or no other decision would have led to a better outcome, the theory holds that there is no regret. It also sees regret as distinct from related emotions such as disappointment, anger, guilt, shame and sadness (Zeelenberg & Pieters, 2007).

Regret hurts, but it can also be useful. The same theory describes regret as an unpleasant emotion that people try to regulate, and one that helps them improve outcomes in the short term and learn to make better decisions in the long run (Zeelenberg & Pieters, 2007). A 1997 review of “if only” thinking concluded that such thoughts make people feel worse but, by pointing to what went wrong, are beneficial overall (Roese, 1997). People also see regret as useful. In a study that asked 54 university students how much 12 negative emotions help to make sense of the past, to pursue what they want, to avoid what they don’t, to understand themselves and to keep relationships smooth, no emotion was rated above regret on any of these. The study asked what people believe, though, not whether regret actually helped (Saffrey et al., 2008).

The short answer: people’s biggest regrets were concentrated in areas such as education, work and romance, which the authors of a 2005 paper explained as areas where people feel there is still a chance to change things (Roese & Summerville, 2005). Many studies found that regrets about things not done linger longer than regrets about things done, but in a recent replication, people looking back over their whole lives were split almost evenly between regrets of action and of inaction (Richardson & Gilovich, 2023). Regret is common and can be useful, but people who kept going back to the same regrets reported more general distress; the survey was taken at one point in time, so it cannot tell which came first (Roese et al., 2009). Approaches that have been studied include drawing a next step from the regret, putting right what can still be put right, letting go of what cannot and turning to other goals, and looking at yourself with understanding rather than harshness. Nothing makes regret disappear at once, and much of this evidence comes from short experiments and surveys with university students or online participants.

This guide covers what people regret most, how regrets about actions and inactions change over time, how “if only” thoughts affect mood and behaviour, how regret that keeps coming back relates to depression and anxiety, what research says about dealing with regret, and when to talk to a professional. mind.io has no regret test, and this guide prints no scale items and no cut-off scores.

A 2005 study pooled 11 data sets from 9 papers published between 1989 and 2003 and sorted the regrets people named into 12 areas of life. Of 4,054 regrets named or chosen by 3,041 participants, education came first with 32.2%, followed by career (22.3%), romance (14.8%), parenting (10.2%), the self (5.47%) and leisure (2.55%). These six areas made up 86.4% of all regrets. Most of the data were convenience samples collected in the US, the well educated were overrepresented, and 73% of the participants were women (Roese & Summerville, 2005). No Korean data were included.

The researchers explained the ranking with an “opportunity principle”: dissatisfaction and regret are strongest where the chances to put things right are clearest. When a door has closed, people rationalise or reinterpret what happened, so the regret fades or ends; when change is still possible, that settling does not happen, the regret stays, and it pushes towards corrective action. As the reason education came first, they pointed out that in the US going back to school remains open at any age. In an experiment in the same paper, 121 university students each picked the area of life where they had the most opportunity and the one where they had the least; regrets in the high-opportunity area were more intense, but the difference was small (d = 0.21). High-opportunity areas were also rated as more important, and opportunity and importance each predicted regret intensity on their own (Roese & Summerville, 2005).

The ranking changes with age and circumstances. When the same paper asked 34 university students to write down one vivid regret, romance came first, friends second and education third; the researchers suggested that for students who have not yet settled into long-term relationships, romance is an area of high opportunity (Roese & Summerville, 2005). In a nationally representative US sample reached by random telephone dialling, romance was also the most common area of regret, and women more than men reported regrets about love rather than work. In that survey, though, regrets more often concerned situations that could no longer be fixed than ones that still could (Morrison & Roese, 2011). The idea that regret grows where opportunity lies does not explain every regret.

Culture may matter too. The authors of the 2005 paper did not expect the same ranking in other cultures, though they expected perceived opportunity to underlie whatever ranking appeared (Roese & Summerville, 2005). In a study that asked 39 Japanese and 40 American university students to describe their regrets, students in both countries recalled regrets about things not done more often in situations involving only themselves than in situations with other people, and American students recalled more of them than Japanese students in both kinds of situation; in situations with other people, the Japanese students regretted things they had done more often than things they had not, and felt their regrets more strongly than the American students (Komiya et al., 2011).

Earlier research found that, for the same bad outcome, people regret something they did more than something they did not do. Yet when Gilovich and Medvec asked people about their biggest regrets in life, by telephone survey, questionnaire and interview, people more often named things they had failed to do. The two researchers reconciled the findings with time: in two scenario experiments about other people’s regrets and in a study that asked people about their own regrets from two periods, actions hurt more in the short term, but inactions were regretted more in the long run (Gilovich & Medvec, 1994). In one study in that paper, of 32 residents of Ithaca, New York, 53% said they regretted an action more when thinking of the past week and 47% an inaction, but when thinking of their whole life, 84% named an inaction (as reported in Richardson & Gilovich, 2023).

A 1995 review gave three kinds of reasons: over time the pain of a regrettable action fades, the pain of a regrettable inaction grows, and the two kinds of regret differ in how easily they come to mind (Gilovich & Medvec, 1995). People do more to deal with regrettable actions, by changing what they do or by coming to terms with them, whereas the road not taken tends to look better and better in hindsight, and the worries that held people back at the time seem less convincing later (Richardson & Gilovich, 2023). In three studies published in 1998, regrets of action mostly brought “hot” emotions such as anger, while regrets of inaction brought both wistful feelings such as nostalgia and despair such as misery. Some regrets about things not done are wistful, then, and others are truly painful (Gilovich et al., 1998).

The pattern has not always come out cleanly. In a study where participants wrote about strongly regretted events in their own lives, they described more inactions than actions, but the two kinds of regret were equally intense (Feldman et al., 1999). In four experiments, when an earlier bad outcome made it seem that something should change, people judged that doing nothing would be regretted more (Zeelenberg et al., 2002). A 2022 replication with 988 online participants in the US repeated four of the original studies: three gave results in the same direction but weaker, and one did not replicate (Yeung & Feldman, 2022). A 2023 replication drawing on 2,600 visitors to a science museum in Chicago found that, asked about the past few days, 58% were more troubled by an action; asked about their life so far, 51% named an action and 49% an inaction, no real difference. The shift over time replicated, but not the original’s large lead for inactions (Richardson & Gilovich, 2023).

In five studies in China, Japan and Russia, people in the long run also tended to regret inactions more than actions, as in the US (Gilovich et al., 2003), and in the nationally representative US sample, regrets about inaction lasted longer than regrets about action (Morrison & Roese, 2011). In short, “we regret what we didn’t do” is a tendency, not a rule. If a “wish I had tried” keeps coming back to you, it can be a prompt to ask whether it is something you could still try.

Behind regret lie thoughts of how the past could have gone differently, “if only” thoughts that researchers call counterfactual thinking. They come in two directions: upward thoughts imagine an outcome better than what happened (“If I had studied more, I would have passed”), and downward thoughts imagine one worse (“At least it wasn’t worse”) (Roese, 1994). Regret comes from upward thoughts (Roese & Summerville, 2005).

In three experiments published in 1994, the two directions did different things. People who came up with downward thoughts felt better; people who came up with upward thoughts about a disappointing exam had stronger intentions to do things that lead to success; and on an anagram task, upward thoughts and thoughts that add a missing action (“if only I had done more…”) each led to greater improvement, although mood differences were not significant in that experiment (Roese, 1994). Such thoughts hurt through the comparison but help by pointing to a cause (Roese, 1997), and a later review described how they can change behaviour by way of specific intentions for next time (Epstude & Roese, 2008).

The same result can feel different depending on what it is compared with. In a study in which students rated how happy medallists looked in footage from the 1992 Summer Olympics, bronze medallists looked happier than silver medallists. The researchers argued that the easiest comparison for a silver medallist is winning gold, and for a bronze medallist, finishing without a medal (Medvec et al., 1995). A later study proposed instead that silver medallists had higher expectations to begin with (McGraw et al., 2005), and a study that analysed medal-stand photographs from the 2000–2016 Olympics with automated facial coding found support for both explanations (Hedgcock et al., 2021).

People can also overestimate how much a near miss will sting. In four studies with students and subway riders, people overestimated how much more regret and self-blame they would feel after narrowly missing out than after clearly missing out (Gilbert et al., 2004). The researchers concluded that people are less susceptible to regret than they imagine.

In a survey of 370 US adults reached by random telephone dialling, people who reported more regret had more general distress, more depression in the sense of lost enjoyment, and more anxious arousal (correlations of 0.44, 0.41 and 0.30). These links held when the tendency to think repetitively was taken into account. General distress was especially high in people who had both a lot of regret and a strong tendency to go over things, that is, people for whom the same regrets kept coming back. The researchers called this “repetitive regret” and suggested it may be a particularly important marker of distress; the combination was linked with general distress only, not with lost enjoyment or anxious arousal. The survey was correlational and taken at one time, though, and they noted it could not show whether repetitive regret feeds distress, distress feeds repetitive regret, or both (Roese et al., 2009).

A tendency to always look for the best option, called maximising, is also linked with regret. In a 2002 study of 1,747 people, four samples of university students and three of community adults in the US and Canada, people who scored higher on maximising reported more regret and depression and less happiness, optimism, self-esteem and life satisfaction. Across four of the samples, the correlation between maximising and regret was 0.52. The authors noted that regret was not manipulated, so no causal conclusions could be drawn (Schwartz et al., 2002). The scale was later criticised: a maximising measure built differently was not related to life satisfaction (Diab et al., 2008). A 2016 review co-written by one of the original authors noted that the number of maximising scales had grown to 11, with contradictory results, and concluded that regret is better seen as an outcome or a cause of maximising than as part of it (Cheek & Schwartz, 2016). Ways of living with high standards are covered in perfectionism: what helps.

The same regret can work differently with age. In a study of 122 people aged 20 to 87, younger adults who saw their regretted behaviour as within their control had weaker regrets and fewer intrusive thoughts, whereas older adults who did so had stronger regrets and more intrusive thoughts (Wrosch & Heckhausen, 2002). In a 2005 paper with two studies, older adults saw fewer chances to undo their regrets, and regret intensity predicted poorer quality of life only among older adults (Wrosch et al., 2005). The researchers related this to the shrinking opportunities to put things right as people age.

Most of these results describe associations, so they cannot say whether regret leads to low mood or low mood leads to more regret. Ways of reducing the rumination itself, the thoughts that keep circling, are covered in overthinking: what helps.

First, look for a next step in the regret. Upward thoughts strengthened intentions to do things that lead to success (Roese, 1994), and such thoughts can change behaviour by way of specific intentions (Epstude & Roese, 2008). Rather than stopping at “why did I do that?”, writing one sentence on what you would do differently if a similar situation came up fits the direction of this research. None of the studies described here tested whether writing it down reduces regret, though.

Second, if it can be put right, try to put it right. Regret regulation theory lists ways of managing regret: correcting or reversing the decision (getting a refund, switching to another option), reappraising the option you passed over, and working on the feeling directly. It calls these strategies conjectural so far, says they are not all equally helpful, and says some may increase regret in the long run. Putting off or avoiding decisions for fear of regret, for example, can leave you regretting your own inaction later, and blaming others may ease regret but increase anger (Zeelenberg & Pieters, 2007).

Third, if it cannot be undone, let it go and turn to other goals. The authors of the 2005 paper held that regrets about things that can no longer be changed tend to ease as people rationalise or reinterpret them (Roese & Summerville, 2005). In two studies, older adults who had let go of efforts to undo a regret, or who had many future goals, tended to manage their regrets better (Wrosch et al., 2005). In a 4-month study of 104 younger and older adults, the more older adults compared themselves with people worse off, the more their regret eased over time (Bauer et al., 2008).

Fourth, look at yourself with understanding rather than harshness. In three studies published in 2016, people who looked at their regret with self-compassion showed more personal improvement from it. In one of them, 400 US university students recalled their biggest regret and then answered “Imagine that you are talking to yourself about this regret from a compassionate and understanding perspective. What would you say?”; compared with students who focused on their positive qualities or described a hobby they enjoyed, they reported less negative emotion and more personal improvement, such as a commitment not to repeat the regret (5.19 against 4.76 and 4.92 on a 7-point scale). Statistically, part of this effect ran through greater acceptance, though the authors said it was premature to conclude that acceptance caused the improvement. The improvement was self-reported, however, and the study did not check whether behaviour actually changed (Zhang & Chen, 2016). Exercises for building self-compassion are in how to build self-compassion, and the self-compassion test shows how you treat yourself when things are hard.

Fifth, if the same regret keeps circling, work on the thinking itself. Distress was especially high when the same regrets kept coming back, and the researchers suggested that, if future research confirms the link, reducing repetitive thought may let the learning side of regret come through (Roese et al., 2009). Shifting attention, setting aside a time for worry, and asking “how” rather than “why” are covered in overthinking: what helps, and other ways of handling feelings in the emotion regulation guide. If you are afraid of future decisions, remember that people overestimated how much they would regret narrow misses (Gilbert et al., 2004).

Regret is not a diagnosis; everyone feels it. But if the same regret circles all day and starts to unsettle your work, studies or sleep, or if your mood has been low and things have lost their interest for more than 2 weeks, rather than getting through it alone, see where you are with the depression check-in (PHQ-9) and talk to someone: in Korea, a psychiatric clinic or a local mental health welfare centre; elsewhere, a family doctor or a local mental health service. A self-check is not a diagnosis. What a first visit involves is covered in seeing a psychiatrist for the first time, and treatments that help with depression in depression: what helps.

If something in your past makes you think about ending your life, do not carry it alone: call or text 988 in the US and Canada, or call Samaritans on 116 123 in the UK and Ireland, right away. If you are in immediate danger, contact your local emergency services.

Q. Is there a way never to regret anything? A. No method for never feeling regret has been shown in research. Almost everyone feels regret, and it also helps people correct later decisions (Zeelenberg & Pieters, 2007). Since people tended to overestimate how much a near miss would sting (Gilbert et al., 2004), looking into a decision, making it and then looking for what the outcome teaches fits the research better than putting it off for fear of regret.

Q. I can’t stop regretting something. What can I do? A. Nothing stops it at once. Distress was especially high when the same regrets kept coming back (Roese et al., 2009), so draw one next step from the regret and put it right if you can. If you cannot, try turning to other goals: in studies of older adults, those who had let go of efforts to undo a regret tended to manage their regrets better (Wrosch et al., 2005). Looking at yourself with understanding rather than harshness has also been studied (Zhang & Chen, 2016). If the thoughts keep circling, try the methods in overthinking: what helps as well.

Q. Do people really regret what they didn’t do more? A. It is a tendency, not a rule. In the 1994 study, looking back over their whole lives, people regretted inactions more (Gilovich & Medvec, 1994), but in the 2023 replication with 2,600 visitors to a science museum, lifetime regrets split almost evenly, 51% to 49% (Richardson & Gilovich, 2023).

Q. What do people regret most? A. In an analysis of 11 data sets collected mostly in the US, education came first (32.2%), followed by career (22.3%) and romance (14.8%) (Roese & Summerville, 2005). In a survey of a nationally representative US sample, regrets about romance were the most common (Morrison & Roese, 2011). These are not Korean data.

Q. Is a lot of regret a sign of depression? A. Everyone feels regret, so that alone does not mean depression. People with more regret also had more depression and anxiety symptoms, but which leads to which is unknown (Roese et al., 2009). If your mood has been low and things have lost their interest for more than 2 weeks, check in with the depression check-in (PHQ-9) and talk to a professional.

Q. My regrets make me want to die. A. Please do not carry this alone. Reach out to a crisis line right away: call or text 988 in the US and Canada, call Samaritans on 116 123 in the UK and Ireland, or find a line at findahelpline.com elsewhere. If you are in immediate danger, contact your local emergency services.

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