Gaslighting: what it means, the signs, common misunderstandings and what helps you get out

Gaslighting means manipulating another person into doubting their perceptions, experiences or understanding of events (APA, 2023). The APA Dictionary of Psychology traces the word to Gaslight, a 1938 stage play and its 1940 and 1944 film adaptations, in which a wife is nearly driven to insanity by her husband’s deceptions (APA, 2023). In the film the husband dims the house’s gas lights and then insists that the lights are not dimming and that his wife cannot trust her own perceptions (Merriam-Webster, 2022). The philosopher Kate Abramson defined gaslighting as emotional manipulation in which the gaslighter tries to make someone feel that her reactions, perceptions, memories or beliefs are not just mistaken but utterly without grounds, so unfounded as to count as crazy; she added that it almost always involves multiple incidents over long stretches of time and frequently involves isolating the target (Abramson, 2014). A recent psychology review likewise defines it as psychological manipulation that, over time, causes a person to doubt their sense of reality (Klein et al., 2026a).

The word was Merriam-Webster’s Word of the Year for 2022. Lookups rose by 1,740% that year, and the dictionary noted that the word is now also used in a simpler and broader sense, “the act or practice of grossly misleading someone, especially for a personal advantage” (Merriam-Webster, 2022). In psychology the phenomenon was identified more than 50 years ago but was long discussed only within psychiatry; recently both the contexts in which it is said to occur and the disciplines writing about it have expanded (Klein et al., 2026b).

Gaslighting is not a diagnosis, and it is not a term in Korean law. mind.io does not offer a gaslighting test. Research scales exist, but we found no validated criteria or checklist that diagnoses gaslighting. This guide sets out how the word differs from everyday disagreement and lying, what the still-small research base has found, the signs people describe, why it is hard to see from inside, what helps, and when it is abuse that calls for help.

Remembering or feeling the same event differently happens in every relationship. By definition, the core of gaslighting is not the claim “you are wrong” but getting the other person to distrust their own perception and judgement. Abramson drew the line this way: merely dismissing someone fails to take them seriously as an interlocutor, whereas gaslighting is aimed at getting them not to take themselves seriously as an interlocutor (Abramson, 2014). So one argument, one lie or one differing memory is hard to call gaslighting. The definitions speak of a pattern repeated over a long period (Abramson, 2014; Klein et al., 2026a).

It differs from lying too. Researchers describe gaslighting as emotional abuse that includes manipulative tactics such as misdirection, denial, lying and contradiction, all used to destabilise the victim (March et al., 2023). A lie is only one of those tactics; what makes the difference is whether the aim is to undermine the other person’s sense of reality. As the dictionary noted when it chose the word of the year, a broad sense of “grossly misleading” has spread (Merriam-Webster, 2022), and in everyday use the word gets attached to plain lies or rudeness. Research shows a similar problem: the team that analysed accounts from 65 people who identified themselves as having been gaslighted listed as a limitation that some participants may have misidentified generally negative relationship experiences, such as avoiding a conversation or changing the subject, as gaslighting (Klein et al., 2022).

The opposite also happens: people cannot name it. In a sociological study based on interviews with women who had survived domestic violence, a 22-year-old struggled to define her experiences as violence because her boyfriend used “invisible” strategies, pathologising her sexuality, making up stories about her infidelities and following her (Sweet, 2019). Rather than labelling someone “a gaslighter” as a type, it is more accurate to look at a pattern of behaviour repeated over time and at what it does to you afterwards. The common conflicts that come from contact and distance are covered separately in the anxious attachment guide and the guide on talking with an avoidant partner.

The research is still thin, and most of it is small qualitative work or one-off surveys. The sociologist Paige Sweet conducted life-story interviews over 12 months with 43 women she met at four domestic violence support groups in Chicago and the surrounding area (33 in English, 10 in Spanish alongside an interpreter). She found that abusers mobilise the gender stereotype that associates femininity with irrationality, structural vulnerabilities related to race, nationality and sexuality, and institutional inequalities against their victims to erode their realities, and defined gaslighting as a set of attempts to create a “surreal” social environment by making the other person in an intimate relationship seem or feel “crazy” (Sweet, 2019).

A study analysed online accounts from 65 people aged 18 to 69 (mean 29) who identified themselves as having experienced gaslighting in a romantic relationship; 48 identified as female and 43 as heterosexual. Gaslighting occurred in relationships typified by a combination of affectionate and abusive behaviours extended over the course of the relationship, and it was associated with a diminished sense of self, mistrust of others and, on occasion, post-traumatic growth. Those who recovered often emphasised separation from the perpetrator, prioritising healthier relationships and engaging in meaningful, re-embodying activities (Klein et al., 2023). The authors noted that, with no access to the partners, they could only infer the perpetrators’ mental health and motivations from the participants’ reports (Klein et al., 2022).

Some research looks at the perpetrating side. In a preregistered study of 315 people recruited online (mean age 42.39, 62.2% women), who answered a 10-item measure of how acceptable they found gaslighting tactics in intimate relationships, all of the Dark Tetrad traits (narcissism, Machiavellianism, psychopathy and sadism) went with more acceptance, and men found the tactics more acceptable than women did, largely because of sex differences in primary psychopathy. The authors flagged as a limitation that they measured acceptance, not reported perpetration (March et al., 2023). In a study of 298 people asked to recall a disagreement with a dating partner, those with low and those with high power in the relationship reported more gaslighting than those with moderate power, a curvilinear result the authors called counter-theoretical (Graves & Samp, 2021). These are correlations, not causes; the samples are small; and the victim studies are mostly women reporting on male partners. Even the account of how gaslighting works is only now being set out as a testable theory (Klein et al., 2026a).

What recurred in the 65 accounts was this: intense affection early in the relationship, isolation from family and friends, unpredictable swings between warmth and coldness, and specific behaviours concentrated in the cold phases. The most typical were accusations that directly attacked the person’s capacity to judge, such as being “crazy”, “overly sensitive”, “overly emotional” or having a bad memory. Also reported were “turning the tables”, shifting the conversation to some perceived fault of the victim so that they ended up apologising, blaming the victim even for the perpetrator’s own actions, and cutting off communication (Klein et al., 2022).

In Sweet’s interviews, stereotypes and institutions were used as tools. Abusers drew on the idea that men are rational and women irrational to deploy “crazy-making” tactics; one participant’s partner cast her as a sexual deviant and a cultural outsider at the same time, trying to make her feel sexually and culturally disoriented. Another participant’s boyfriend had his friends keep an eye on her at school and accused her of sneaking away with other men whenever they lost sight of her (Sweet, 2019). Abramson likewise noted that gaslighting frequently involves several people playing the gaslighter or cooperating with one, and that there are characteristic things gaslighters say (Abramson, 2014).

In Korea, behaviour like this is surveyed as “emotional violence”. According to the Korean Women’s Development Institute’s analysis of the 2024 Women’s Violence Survey (7,027 women aged 19 or over), 3.5% had experienced violence from an intimate partner in the past year; by type, emotional violence was 1.8% and physical violence 0.9%, so emotional violence was twice as common as physical violence (KWDI, 2025). That survey asked about emotional violence in general, not gaslighting, and the behaviours listed above are not a checklist either. One or two of them do not make gaslighting, and the same result can come about in ways that are not on the list. The signs to look at when you feel your self-esteem has dropped are set out in the guide to signs of low self-esteem.

Psychologists start from the fact that close relationships are where our self-views and our experience of the world are shaped and confirmed. The privileged position of close others is what gives gaslighters the epistemic leverage needed for gaslighting to work, and the hypothesis is that gaslighting depends on normal social-cognitive mechanisms operating in atypical social situations (Klein et al., 2026a). If the hypothesis holds, it is not that unusually weak people fall for it; it can happen because everyone checks their own experience against what the people close to them say.

Isolation feeds it. The team that analysed the 65 accounts proposed a feedback loop: once isolated, people have fewer chances to see the perpetrator’s behaviour from an outside perspective, and so keep rationalising it (Klein et al., 2022). Sweet wrote that the very invisibility of this form of abuse amplifies its tactics and that it may be unnamable for victims themselves, and one of her participants struggled to give her experiences the name of violence (Sweet, 2019). The harm itself also delays recognition. Participants reported feeling that their sense of self had been broken or diminished, confusion and worthlessness, and one wrote that when your perception of the truth gets warped, it is hard to tell up from down (Klein et al., 2022).

Not seeking help is common too. According to a news report on the release of Korea’s 2025 Domestic Violence Survey, 68.5% of people who had experienced violence from a spouse or partner said they had never responded in any particular way at the time, up 15.2 percentage points on 2022, and 80.9% had never asked for outside help. The share who gave “it was embarrassing and hurt my pride” as the reason for not responding rose from 14.9% to 31.4% (Newsis, 2026). These figures are about partner violence as a whole, not gaslighting, but they show that staying silent after harm is not the exception. In immediate danger, call your local emergency number. US: National Domestic Violence Hotline 1-800-799-7233 · UK: National Domestic Abuse Helpline 0808 2000 247. If things feel like too much right now, or you have thoughts of hurting yourself, reach out to a crisis line: call or text 988 in the US and Canada, call Samaritans on 116 123 in the UK and Ireland, or find a line at findahelpline.com elsewhere. If you are in immediate danger, contact your local emergency services.

Keeping records helps. Since gaslighting is, by definition, being made to distrust your own memory and perception, writing down what happened and when, and keeping messages, gives you something to check your memory against later. This is standard counselling advice rather than a method tested in research. Outside perspectives matter too. The activity that recovered participants mentioned most was spending time with other people, and as long as it was with people who did not try to undermine their judgement, anything from casual conversation to sport, dancing and music seemed to help (Klein et al., 2022). Telling someone you trust exactly what is happening and asking how it looks to them can be a first step.

You can seek counselling even when you are not sure whether the relationship counts as abuse. In Korea, the Women’s Emergency Line 1366 offers anyone, men and women alike, who is struggling with domestic violence, sexual violence, stalking or dating violence initial counselling and emergency rescue and protection 365 days a year, 24 hours a day. Dial 1366 with no area code or your area code plus 1366, use the KakaoTalk channel “women1366”, or visit the online counselling site (www.women1366.kr). In 2024 it handled about 293,000 counselling cases, of which 11,338 concerned dating violence, up 23.4% on the previous year, and 6.3% of all cases came from men (MOGEF, 2025b). Local domestic violence counselling centres (weekdays 9am to 6pm) offer counselling, treatment programmes and referrals to legal and medical services, and shelters let you stay with your children and receive support (MOGEF, n.d.). If your sense of self or your trust in others has not recovered after the relationship ends, a psychiatrist or psychotherapist can help; in Korea the mental health crisis line 1577-0199 (24 hours) connects you to the nearest community mental health welfare centre (MOHW, 2025). Outside Korea, your local domestic abuse helpline and your family doctor are the first ports of call: US National Domestic Violence Hotline 1-800-799-7233, UK National Domestic Abuse Helpline 0808 2000 247. If you have thoughts of hurting yourself, reach out first to a crisis line: 988 in the US and Canada, Samaritans 116 123 in the UK and Ireland.

Leaving is not always possible. The researchers noted that many survivors cannot or will not leave because of the safety of children and pets, shared property or lack of money, and said that ways of stopping abuse from within a relationship also need studying (Klein et al., 2022). In the meantime there is safety planning: leave copies of your ID, bank documents, important papers and records with someone you trust, decide where you would go and whom you would call in an emergency, and do not confront the person alone when they may be dangerous; in immediate danger, call your local emergency number. In Korea, 1366 provides emergency shelter for up to 7 days and refers people to shelters and to legal and medical services (MOGEF, n.d.). Practising treating yourself kindly again after the relationship ends is covered in the self-compassion guide and the guide to building self-esteem, and the signs to watch when anxiety lingers are in the anxiety symptoms guide. The self-compassion test shows how you are treating yourself right now. Why leaving is hard, and how to stay safe around a separation, are covered in the trauma bonding guide.

Gaslighting is not a term in Korean law, but the behaviour can fall under what the law calls domestic violence. The Act on Special Cases Concerning the Punishment of Crimes of Domestic Violence defines domestic violence as “an act between family members that causes physical, mental or property harm”, and family members include spouses, including de facto spouses, and former spouses. Where such an act amounts to a crime under the Criminal Act, such as intimidation, defamation, insult, coercion or destruction of property, it is treated as a “crime of domestic violence” (Domestic Violence Punishment Act, art. 2). In other words, acts that cause mental harm are domestic violence too, and threatening or insulting words can be a crime. Violence between dating partners who are not married or living as de facto spouses falls outside this Act, and the government is reviewing legislation to strengthen protection for victims of violent crimes not covered by the Stalking Punishment Act or the Domestic Violence Punishment Act (MOGEF, 2025a).

The United Kingdom made “controlling or coercive behaviour in an intimate or family relationship” an offence in section 76 of the Serious Crime Act 2015. It applies when someone repeatedly or continuously engages in controlling or coercive behaviour that has a serious effect on the other person, meaning fear on at least two occasions that violence will be used, or serious alarm or distress with a substantial adverse effect on their usual day-to-day activities, and the person knows or ought to know that it will have that effect (UK Parliament, 2015). Although the section itself never uses the word, Sweet wrote that this made gaslighting an official part of criminal domestic violence law in the UK (Sweet, 2019).

How common it is gets surveyed as violence in general, not as gaslighting. In Korea’s 2025 Domestic Violence Survey (9,077 people aged 19 or over, according to news reports; Newsis, 2026), 5.9% had experienced at least one of physical, sexual, economic or emotional violence from a spouse or partner in the past year, down from 7.6% in 2022, but 50.0% of those who had been through a divorce, separation or the end of cohabitation (59.6% of women, 40.0% of men) had experienced violence around the break-up, more than three times the lifetime victimisation rate of 14.4% (MOGEF, 2026). According to a news report citing National Police Agency statistics, reports of dating violence rose from 57,305 in 2021 to 88,394 in 2024 (Newsis, 2025). If you are afraid of the other person’s anger, or there are threats or violence, safety comes first. In Korea, call 112 in an emergency and the Women’s Emergency Line 1366 (24 hours) for domestic and dating violence counselling; the police can take emergency and urgent provisional measures on the spot (MOGEF, n.d.). Elsewhere, in immediate danger call your local emergency number; US: National Domestic Violence Hotline 1-800-799-7233 · UK: National Domestic Abuse Helpline 0808 2000 247. Reactions that linger long after violence are covered in the trauma and PTSD guide.

Q. Is there a gaslighting test? A. mind.io does not offer a gaslighting test. Research uses a 10-item measure of how acceptable people find the tactics (March et al., 2023) and scales of exposure, but there are no validated criteria that diagnose gaslighting. In a study that gave an exposure scale to 217 university students, 83.9% reported at least some exposure, and the authors themselves wrote that this may partly reflect their definition of “any exposure” (Vančová & Martonyik, 2026). Look at a repeated pattern and what it does to you rather than at a checklist score, and if you are not sure, work through it with a counsellor. The attachment style test shows how you draw close and pull away in relationships, and the self-esteem test how much you value yourself right now, but neither is a gaslighting test.

Q. Every time we argue, my partner says I am gaslighting them. A. The word has spread in a broad sense (Merriam-Webster, 2022), so it gets thrown at each other in arguments. By definition gaslighting is a pattern over a long period, not one argument, and its core is making the other person distrust their own judgement (Abramson, 2014). Remembering things differently, disagreeing or saying something in anger is not gaslighting in itself. Still, whoever uses the word, if your conversations always end in who is crazy, it is worth seeing a counsellor: separately if there is fear or violence, otherwise together or separately.

Q. I am worried that I am the one doing it. A. Being able to worry about it is itself a sign that you are trying to take the other person’s experience seriously. In research, perpetrators’ motives as inferred from participants’ accounts ranged from avoiding accountability to controlling the partner, and the more control was the aim, the wider the range of coercive-control tactics such as setting rules, verbal abuse, property damage and threats (Klein et al., 2022). If your habit in arguments is to end with “that never happened” or “you are too sensitive”, you can replace it with checking the facts together and owning your part. If you have ever controlled or threatened your partner, seek counselling. When anger gets out of control, see the anger guide.

Q. Does gaslighting happen at work or in healthcare too? A. The contexts in which the word is used have widened (Klein et al., 2026b). Merriam-Webster noted that patients who felt their symptoms had been inappropriately dismissed as minor or primarily psychological by doctors use the term “medical gaslighting” (Merriam-Webster, 2022). In Korea, a study validated a 12-item Korean version of the Gaslighting at Work Questionnaire with 440 employees working under supervisors, and scores went with workplace bullying, role conflict and depression (Kim et al., 2026). That scale too is for research and organisational assessment, not a test that diagnoses an individual.

Q. Is gaslighting a crime? A. There is no offence by that name. In Korea, between family members such as spouses or former spouses, acts that cause mental harm count as domestic violence, and where they amount to intimidation, insult, coercion and the like they are treated as crimes of domestic violence (Domestic Violence Punishment Act, art. 2). Dating partners who are neither married nor de facto spouses fall outside that Act, so individual Criminal Act provisions apply, and the government is reviewing protection measures (MOGEF, 2025a). The UK made repeated controlling or coercive behaviour itself an offence (UK Parliament, 2015). For a legal assessment, speak to a lawyer or ask 1366 for a legal referral.

Q. The relationship has left me feeling like I no longer exist, and I want to disappear. A. Please do not carry that alone. Reach out to a crisis line right away: call or text 988 in the US and Canada, call Samaritans on 116 123 in the UK and Ireland, or find a line at findahelpline.com elsewhere. If you are in immediate danger, contact your local emergency services. People who had been gaslighted often reported a diminished sense of self, and those who recovered emphasised separation from the perpetrator and healthier relationships (Klein et al., 2023). When loneliness lingers, see the loneliness guide too.

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