Craving affection: signs, childhood roots and what helps

Feeling love-starved, or “craving affection”, is an everyday idea, not a diagnosis. Korea’s open dictionary Urimalsaem defines the Korean word for it (aejeong gyeolpip) as becoming emotionally unsettled after not receiving enough affection from one’s parents as a child and not forming close relationships (National Institute of Korean Language, n.d.), but the word is not in the Standard Korean Language Dictionary, and the World Health Organization’s classification has no such illness (WHO, 2024a). This guide covers both childhood experiences and how this feels in relationships now.

Researchers break the idea into several concepts. Growing up without enough of the warmth, attention and recognition a child needs, above all from the person who mainly cares for them, is called “emotional deprivation”, and failing to give a child the basic care and warmth needed to develop well is called “neglect” (APA, n.d.). In adult relationships, the patterns are studied as “attachment anxiety” (worrying about being abandoned), “excessive reassurance seeking” (asking again and again even after being reassured) and “rejection sensitivity” (anxiously expecting rejection and readily seeing it). Wanting to be loved and to belong is not a flaw in itself: psychology sees the need to form relationships and be accepted as a basic motive (APA, n.d.; Baumeister & Leary, 1995).

mind.io does not offer a test for craving affection. The childhood-experience questionnaires and rejection-sensitivity scales used in research are not diagnostic tools, and this guide does not print their items. If you wonder how much you worry about being abandoned in relationships, the attachment style test shows two scores, anxiety and avoidance, but that result is not a diagnosis either. This guide translates the common signs of craving affection into research terms and covers how they relate to childhood, how they show up in dating, problems that look similar, what you can try yourself and therapy.

Researchers call asking “Do you really love me?” or “Are we OK?” again and again, even after being reassured, “excessive reassurance seeking” (Clayton et al., 2021). In an analysis of 38 studies (6,973 people), this behaviour was moderately linked with depression (r = .32), and in an analysis of 16 studies its link with being rejected by others was weak (r = .14) (Starr & Davila, 2008). The problem is less the wish for reassurance than the loop in which the worry comes back soon after being reassured. How to ask instead of checking is covered in how to manage anxious attachment.

Rejection sensitivity is the tendency to anxiously expect rejection, to read it readily into ambiguous situations and to react strongly to it. In an experiment, people who anxiously expected rejection were more likely to read another person’s ambiguous behaviour as deliberately pushing them away (Downey & Feldman, 1996). In an analysis of 75 studies, rejection sensitivity was moderately linked with depression (r = .33), anxiety (r = .41) and loneliness (r = .39) (Gao et al., 2017). Feeling abandoned when a reply comes a little late is one example.

Staking your self-worth on being loved is also often called craving affection. Some people stake their self-esteem on being well liked rather than on success at work (APA, n.d.); these “contingencies of self-worth” are covered in self-compassion vs self-esteem. If loneliness is also strong, loneliness: what helps may help. Having these traits is not a problem in itself. But if you cannot stop asking the same question dozens of times to get rid of the same doubt, it may be the checking of OCD.

The World Health Organization groups abuse and neglect of children under 18 as child maltreatment, including harm that is only potential as well as actual harm (WHO, 2026). Emotional neglect means failing to meet a child’s emotional needs: not only failing to give enough care and affection, but also, for example, letting a child witness domestic violence or not providing the structure they need. In an analysis of 16 self-report samples (about 60,000 people), 18.4%, roughly 1 in 5, said they had experienced emotional neglect, with no difference between the sexes. Most of these studies asked adults to remember, mainly in North America, and the figures varied widely between studies (Stoltenborgh et al., 2013).

In a 2016 interview survey of 4,971 Korean adults, 9.3% said that as children their family had not listened to them or had ignored their difficulties, so they could not get attention or help. This experience of emotional neglect was linked with many adult mental health problems, and of the four types of maltreatment surveyed it had the strongest link with suicidal thoughts, plans and attempts, but because the survey asked about memories at one point in time, it cannot show cause (Lee et al., 2021). If thinking back on your childhood brings thoughts of harming yourself, please do not carry them alone. Reach out to a crisis line right away: call or text 988 in the US and Canada, call Samaritans on 116 123 in the UK and Ireland, or find a line at findahelpline.com elsewhere. If you are in immediate danger, contact your local emergency services.

Childhood emotional neglect is consistently linked with depression in adulthood. In an analysis of 190 studies (about 69,000 people), emotional abuse and emotional neglect showed the strongest links with depression of all the types of maltreatment. But most were one-time studies in which people recalled the past through their current mood, so cause is hard to establish (Humphreys et al., 2020). A US study that followed people with court-documented childhood neglect for more than 30 years found that as adults they had higher attachment anxiety, which partly explained their later depression, anxiety and low self-esteem (Widom et al., 2018). The neglect in that study, though, was severe, such as not even providing food and clothing, and another long-term study found that abuse by caregivers, rather than neglect, was linked with an anxious attachment state of mind (Raby et al., 2017).

Memories of childhood and the records made at the time disagree more often than people think. In an analysis of 16 studies (about 25,000 people), 52% of those with maltreatment recorded in childhood did not report it as adults, and 56% of adults who reported it had no matching record. The researchers added that this does not mean the memories are wrong (Baldwin et al., 2019). What mattered more for mental health was how people themselves experienced what happened. Even in severe cases with court records, the risk of mental health problems barely rose if people did not report the experience, while it was high for those who did, whether or not records matched (Danese & Widom, 2020). So rather than settling whether it “really was neglect”, working with the loneliness and fear that remain now can be where recovery starts.

Childhood attachment does not set in stone either. In an analysis of 127 studies that followed attachment from infancy to early adulthood, the stability of attachment security was moderate, and no significant stability was found over intervals longer than 15 years (Pinquart et al., 2013). The risk factors for child maltreatment listed by the World Health Organization include caregivers’ own circumstances, such as not knowing much about child development or being isolated without support (WHO, 2026). Understanding your parents’ circumstances is not the same as making light of what you went through, and it does not mean you have to forgive them. How attachment can change is covered in how to become securely attached. If remembering is too hard, it is fine to pause, and if memories of abuse or trauma keep haunting you, see the PTSD guide too.

In an analysis of 73 studies (over 21,000 people), attachment anxiety was more linked than avoidance with conflict between partners, while low satisfaction, closeness and support were more linked with avoidance, the tendency to shy away from closeness (Li & Chan, 2012). In a study of dating couples, reassurance seeking was linked with depression only because of the attachment anxiety beneath it; partners noticed the reassurance seeking, but relationship quality was more linked with avoidance (Shaver et al., 2005). What looks like craving affection is less a lack of love than a pattern that easily turns into arguments when anxiety rises. How the attachment styles clash in dating is covered in attachment styles in dating.

People talk about “needy men” and “needy women”, but in an analysis of 113 samples (about 66,000 people), women scored only a little higher on attachment anxiety on average; the difference was not large, varied with the type of sample and region, and was even reversed in online samples (Del Giudice, 2011). Rather than diagnosing a partner by their gender or a single behaviour, talk together about how each of you acts when anxious and what kind of reassurance helps.

If your partner often wants reassurance, read the “Asking instead of demanding” section of how to manage anxious attachment together. On the other hand, secretly checking a phone, stopping someone from seeing people or making threats is not craving affection but control, and a safety issue. If jealousy is the problem, see jealousy in relationships. In immediate danger, call your local emergency number. US: National Domestic Violence Hotline 1-800-799-7233 · UK: National Domestic Abuse Helpline 0808 2000 247.

The term “attachment disorder” is often used, but the only disorders the World Health Organization’s classification groups as attachment disorders are two childhood conditions that appear before age 5 in children who received grossly insufficient care. Children with one of them, reactive attachment disorder, often improve nearly or completely once they receive adequate care, and little is known about how it develops in adulthood (WHO, 2024a). Separately, an excessive fear of being separated from someone you are deeply attached to, such as a partner, spouse or child, that lasts for months and makes daily life hard can be separation anxiety disorder, which can be diagnosed in adults (WHO, 2024a). It is covered in more detail in Separation anxiety in children and adults. Even in young children, insecure attachment can differ from one caregiver to another; such patterns are risk factors, not disorders (Zeanah & Gleason, 2015). Anxious or avoidant attachment in adults is likewise a tendency in relationships, not a diagnosis.

Depression may also be present. Reassurance seeking and rejection sensitivity are both moderately linked with depression (Starr & Davila, 2008; Gao et al., 2017). If your mood has been low and your interest reduced for more than 2 weeks, read depression symptoms and try the depression check-in (PHQ-9).

If the fear of abandonment is very strong and relationships, emotions and self-image have been badly unsettled for a long time, there may be some overlap with borderline personality disorder. Rejection sensitivity was also moderately linked with borderline personality disorder (r = .41) (Gao et al., 2017). More is covered in borderline personality disorder. If you avoid people because you fear strangers’ judgement, social anxiety may be a closer fit.

A landmark 1995 review concluded that people have a basic need for frequent, pleasant contact within lasting relationships, and that a lack of such relationships is linked with many problems in health, adjustment and well-being (Baumeister & Leary, 1995). So rather than being ashamed of wanting to be loved, widen the places you can lean on, such as friends, family and groups, so that you do not depend on one person for all your reassurance.

When a late reply or an ambiguous expression makes “they are pushing me away” the first thing that comes to mind, try to separate what you know for sure from what you have read into it. The more people expect rejection, the more readily they take ambiguous behaviour as rejection (Downey & Feldman, 1996). Ways to calm down when the urge to seek reassurance rises are covered in detail in how to manage anxious attachment.

Self-compassion is a well-researched way to soothe yourself instead of relying on reassurance from others. In an analysis of randomised controlled trials, self-compassion interventions reduced depression, anxiety and self-criticism (Ferrari et al., 2019). Practical exercises are in how to build self-compassion, and ways to broaden your sense of worth in how to build self-esteem.

In a review of studies on whether therapy can change attachment, attachment security tended to rise and attachment anxiety to fall during psychological therapy. Findings for avoidance were unclear, and more controlled trials are needed to confirm this (Taylor et al., 2015).

If you and a partner keep repeating the same pattern, couple therapy is an option. In an analysis of 58 studies, couples who had couple therapy became much more satisfied with their relationship, while couples who only waited barely changed (Roddy et al., 2020). Emotionally focused couple therapy, which centres on attachment needs, did about as well as behavioural couple therapy in randomised trials (Rathgeber et al., 2019), but a 2026 review judged that no couple therapy has yet reached the level of “strong” evidence (Jackson et al., 2026). If there are threats, control or violence in the relationship, safety comes before couple therapy (see jealousy in relationships).

Schema therapy calls the deep-seated belief that other people will not give you the everyday emotional support you need the “emotional deprivation schema” (Taylor et al., 2017). In an analysis of 33 studies, this schema was the one most strongly linked with reported childhood emotional neglect (r = .51), but only 1 of the studies followed people over time (Pilkington et al., 2021). Schema therapy has shown initial evidence for personality disorders, especially borderline personality disorder, and promising results for other problems, but studies are still few (Taylor et al., 2017), and in an analysis of 8 randomised trials in personality disorders its effect was small to moderate (Zhang et al., 2023). There is no proven treatment called “treatment for craving affection”, so therapy is chosen according to the depression, anxiety or relationship problems you face now.

If thoughts of not being loved make you want to harm yourself, please do not carry them alone. Reach out to a crisis line right away: call or text 988 in the US and Canada, call Samaritans on 116 123 in the UK and Ireland, or find a line at findahelpline.com elsewhere. If you are in immediate danger, contact your local emergency services. If it is not a crisis, you can start with your doctor, a psychiatrist or a counsellor.

Q. Is there a test for craving affection? A. mind.io does not offer one. Instead, the attachment style test shows how much you worry about being abandoned in relationships (anxiety) and how uncomfortable closeness feels (avoidance). That result is not a diagnosis either.

Q. Is it my parents’ fault? A. Childhood emotional neglect is linked with later depression, but most studies asked adults to remember at one point in time, so cause is hard to establish (Humphreys et al., 2020). Memories and records often disagree (Baldwin et al., 2019), and caregivers’ own circumstances, such as isolation, are risk factors too (WHO, 2026). You do not have to decide to blame your parents or to forgive them; what you do about your relationship with them is your decision. If you are wondering whether to step back from a parent, see also the question about parents in the narcissism guide.

Q. Do men and women who crave affection have different signs? I think my partner craves affection. A. Sex differences in attachment anxiety are not large and vary between surveys (Del Giudice, 2011). Rather than diagnosing someone else, ask directly what kind of reassurance helps when they feel anxious. Monitoring someone’s messages, stopping them from seeing people or making threats is not craving affection but control, and a safety issue. In immediate danger, call your local emergency number. US: National Domestic Violence Hotline 1-800-799-7233 · UK: National Domestic Abuse Helpline 0808 2000 247.

Q. Can it change? A. Attachment does not set for life. The stability of attachment security was moderate and not clear over intervals longer than 15 years (Pinquart et al., 2013), and attachment anxiety tended to fall during psychological therapy (Taylor et al., 2015). Researchers call it “earned security” when people whose childhood was insecure become more secure through later relationships and reflection (see how to become securely attached).

Q. Can adults have an attachment disorder? A. The disorders the World Health Organization’s classification groups as attachment disorders are childhood conditions that appear before age 5, and there is no separate attachment-disorder diagnosis for adults (WHO, 2024a). Insecure attachment in young children is not a disorder either (Zeanah & Gleason, 2015), and anxious or avoidant attachment in adults is a tendency in relationships, not a diagnosis. However, if an excessive fear of being separated from someone you are deeply attached to lasts for months and makes daily life hard, it can be separation anxiety disorder, which can be diagnosed in adults, so talk to a professional (WHO, 2024a).

Q. I am worried my child is not getting enough affection. A. Reactive attachment disorder arises in children who received grossly insufficient care, and such children often improve nearly or completely once they receive adequate care (WHO, 2024a). Among ways to prevent child maltreatment, the World Health Organization describes support for parents and caregivers, such as information and skill-building through home visits or community sessions, as a way to support nurturing parenting (WHO, 2026). If you are worried, talk to a child psychiatrist or paediatrician. If you suspect a child is being neglected or harmed now, contact your local child protection service, or your emergency number if they are in danger; in Korea, reports go to 112 (National Center for the Rights of the Child, n.d.). In the US, the Childhelp National Child Abuse Hotline (call or text 1-800-422-4453) offers support but is not a reporting line (Childhelp, n.d.).

Q. Feeling unloved makes me want to die. A. Please do not carry this alone. Reach out to a crisis line right away: call or text 988 in the US and Canada, call Samaritans on 116 123 in the UK and Ireland, or find a line at findahelpline.com elsewhere. If you are in immediate danger, contact your local emergency services.

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